April Fools: Provost’s Office Successfully Bolsters Follicular Diversity, Adding Non-Bald White Male
By Benjamin Pontz, Non-Balding Editor Today is a landmark day in the Provost’s Office at Gettysburg College. Finally, they have hired a white man … that isn’t bald. Joining bald men Chris Zappe, Jack Ryan, and Rob Bohrer — Provost, Vice Provost, and Associate Provost respectively — is Matt Jones, joining as Assistant Provost for Provost’s Office Diversity. “We really felt we were lacking in terms of our white male...
April Fools: In Stunning Break from Tradition, The Gettysburgian Releases Anonymous Editorial
By JLR, Anonymous Dean Did you know that there are two campus celebrities with the initials JR? Sadly, through some cruel twist of fate only one of them is lovingly referred to by their initialism. I will admit that JMR has a certain ring to it, even a cadence if you will. However, the supremacy of ‘L’ over ‘M’ is well established… unlike the initials ‘JLR’. Alphabetical order was developed over millennia by a series of Phoenicians,...
Capturing Ghostly Music at Gettysburg College
By Charlie Sternberg, Staff Writer It’s a cold December night in 1988. The marquis on majestic theater reads “Twins” and Bon Jovi is playing on the radios in dorm rooms across Gettysburg College. Most students are partying, but Christopher Kelly has snuck out by the light of the full moon to head toward the battlefield alone, armed with just a tape recorder, a case of instruments, and his own acoustic guitar. Once he reaches the old...
College Announces 50 Percent Tuition Cut after Wildly Successful Campaign
By Benjamin Pontz, Managing News Editor As the Gettysburg Great campaign draws to a close after eight years, President Janet Morgan Riggs announced that tuition would be cut in half from $67,000 to $33,500 for the 2018-19 academic year. “As we learned from the cinematic masterpiece that was the campaign kickoff video, greatness takes action. We set a goal to raise $150 billion, and, after sitting in our offices sending out...
IFC Introduces Innovative New “FratPass” Card
By Jamie Welch, Editor-in-Chief A new subscription program will soon allow students to gain entry to any fraternity party simply by waving a card on a specialized reader, the Gettysburg College Interfraternity Council announced Monday. “Gone are the days of reciting a laundry list of brothers you know to the pledge at the door,” an advertisement for the new program read. “Get in on the fast track with FratPass!” The pass, which will...
Hanson Fungus: A Failed Cover-Up
By Joshua Wagner, Opinions Editor THE ISSUE: While college administrators initially reassured students that the Hanson mold had been contained and remediated by trained professionals shortly after discovery, GettysLeeks has obtained classified information that indicate that the mold situation was much more dire than previously thought. Since receiving intel on March 15th, GettyLeeks muckraking squad has deployed all of its agents and...
