April Fools: Provost’s Office Successfully Bolsters Follicular Diversity, Adding Non-Bald White Male

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
From L: Provost Zappe, Vice Provost Ryan, Associate Provost Bohrer (Not pictured: Assistant Provost Jones)

From L: Provost Zappe, Vice Provost Ryan, Associate Provost Bohrer (Not pictured: Assistant Provost Jones)

By Benjamin Pontz, Non-Balding Editor

Today is a landmark day in the Provost’s Office at Gettysburg College. Finally, they have hired a white man … that isn’t bald. Joining bald men Chris Zappe, Jack Ryan, and Rob Bohrer — Provost, Vice Provost, and Associate Provost respectively — is Matt Jones, joining as Assistant Provost for Provost’s Office Diversity.

“We really felt we were lacking in terms of our white male diversity,” Zappe said. “At Gettysburg College, diversity and inclusion is one of our top priorities … right up there with keeping students out of the fountain.”

“It was important to me that we make a diversity hire,” Ryan, who recently secured a six-figure grant to diversify the faculty at Gettysburg College, added. “One of my goals is to help people understand that diversity is about more than race and ethnicity. We value experiential diversity, and, certainly, having hair is a lived experience white males in our office do not have.”

Jones apparently has no specific qualifications for the job other than having hair. He graduated from Bucknell University with a degree in Organization & Management Studies paired with a distinctive dual major in business.

Zappe said to pay no attention to the fact that he used to be the Dean of Arts and Sciences at Bucknell responsible for developing business as a distinctive dual major and that his CV boasts of its 100% placement rate into “jobs that matter.”

“As we know, business is everywhere, but his qualifications for this job are none of yours,” Zappe said.

Here at The Gettysburgian, we salute the Provost’s Office for its bold commitment to diversity and inclusion. Following their lead, we are now soliciting applications for non-curmudgeonly white men to join our editorial board. You’ll help us build our diversity, too.

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Author: Benjamin Pontz

Benjamin Pontz '20 served as Editor-in-Chief of The Gettysburgian from 2018 until 2020, Managing News Editor from 2017 until 2018, News Editor in the spring of 2017, and Staff Writer during the fall of 2016. During his tenure, he wrote 232 articles. He led teams that won two first place Keystone Press Awards for ongoing news coverage (once of Bob Garthwait's resignation, and the other of Robert Spencer's visit to campus) and was part of the team that wrote a first-place trio of editorials in 2018. He also received recognition for a music review he wrote in 2019. A political science and public policy major with a music minor, he graduated in May of 2020 and will pursue a master's degree in public policy on a Fulbright Scholarship at the University of Manchester before enrolling in law school.

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