April Fools: DPS Crime Log
Compiled by Phoebe Doscher, Assistant News Editor March 25, 2019 (Monday) Crime Against Humanity- Cup Dropped in Servo; Closed – No suspects or Witnesses Disturbing the Peace – Students Jumped into Fountain – GPD cited Gettysburgian Staff of Gettysburg College; Referred to SRR March 26, 2019 (Tuesday) Theft – Gazebo Bench Stolen; Closed – Referred to SRR Theft: Cutlerly and Angel Food Cake at Servo;...
April Fools: Phi Beta Kappa Receives “Gettysburg Great” in Greek Evaluations
By Gauri Mangala, News Editor In a strong shift in Greek life on Gettysburg College’s campus, Phi Beta Kappa, the co-ed fraternity has soared above the rest in receiving a Gettysburg Great on its evaluation, with a 4.2 GPA. This year marks the fifth full year in evaluation processes, but the first for the organization. While each Greek organization attended at least two academic events, Phi Beta Kappa attended over 200, including...
April Fools: Gettysburgian Editors Receive Ten Points
By Gauri Mangala, News Editor This past week, four Gettysburgian editors were found by the Department of Public Safety in the Masters Fountain, outside of Plank Gym. The four editors in question were easily identified due to their fashionable gray quarter-zips. “Everyone knows better than to jump into the fountain,” stated one student witness of the event. The editors all received 10 points each and have been expelled. Due to the...
April Fools: 21 Ways to Use Gettysburgian Print Editions Besides Reading Them
By Ben and Josh, Almost an Ice Cream Brand Some traditions are meant to die. Promulgating misleading statistics about Greek Life participation to unsuspecting parents of prospective students, eating every meal after one’s first year at the Bullet Hole, and, yes, the biweekly ritual of printing a student newspaper. Gettysburg’s recent spate of budget cuts—Orwellianly dubbed “sustainable excellence”—has axed many anachronisms of a...
April Fools: Fiery Refusal to Resign and Transfer: This Opinions Editor is not going anywhere
By Joshua Wagner, The Defendant THE ISSUE: Managing Opinions Editor of The Gettysburgian Joshua Wagner dropped a saucer at Servo. The noise the saucer made as it hit the tiled floor of the dining hall could be heard far and wide — a noise altogether different in tone and pitch from that of a dropped cup. The Student Rights and Responsibilities Office in tandem with the Registrar hold a strict transfer policy for any student guilty of...
April Fools: Top 100 Reasons to Join a College Fraternity: Number 37 will shock you!
By Preston Remington Debauchery XIV, Pink Shorts and Vineyard Vines...
