April Fools: DPS Crime Log

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
(Photo courtesy of Gettysburg College)

(Photo courtesy of Gettysburg College)

Compiled by Phoebe Doscher, Assistant News Editor

March 25, 2019 (Monday)

  • Crime Against Humanity- Cup Dropped in Servo; Closed – No suspects or Witnesses
  • Disturbing the Peace – Students Jumped into Fountain – GPD cited Gettysburgian Staff of Gettysburg College; Referred to SRR

March 26, 2019 (Tuesday)

  • Theft – Gazebo Bench Stolen; Closed – Referred to SRR
  • Theft: Cutlerly and Angel Food Cake at Servo; Closed – No Suspects or Witnesses

March 27, 2019 (Wednesday)

  • All Other Offenses: Taking Loudly on Third Floor of Library; Open – Under investigation by DPS
  • Destruction: Bike Ridden Over Newly Scattered Soil; Closed – Referred to SRR

March 28, 2019 (Thursday)

  • Intoxication – Overdose on Girl Scout Cookies; Closed
  • Grand Theft Auto- Servo Food Truck Stolen; Referred to GPD – No Identifiable Suspect

March 29, 2019 (Friday)

  • All Other Offenses: Student Called “First-Years” “Freshmen” – Referred to SRR
  • Tour Guide Called “Residence Halls” “Dormitories;” Closed – Referred to SRR

March 30, 2019 (Saturday)

  • Honor Code Violation: Student Miswrote the Honor Code on Test; Closed – Referred to SRR
  • Violation of Food Rights: Student Mixed Red Sauce and Alfredo Sauce at The Bullet Hole; Closed – Referred to SRR

March 31, 2019 (Sunday)

  • Offense Against Sea Turtles: Environmental Science Major Uses a Plastic Straw; Referred to SRR

April 1, 2019 (Monday)

  • Student Drank Quarry Pond Water; Closed – No Suspects or Witnesses
  • GPD cited Student Bottling and Reselling Pond Water; Referred to GPD

April Fools’ Special

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Author: Phoebe Doscher

Phoebe Doscher ’22 is the News Editor for The Gettysburgian. She previously served as a staff writer, features section copy editor, and Assistant News Editor. Originally from Sandy Hook, CT, she is an English with a Writing Concentration and Theatre Arts double major. Aside from writing and editing, she studies voice at the Sunderman Conservatory of Music and can often be seen working on and offstage in the theatre department.

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