April Fools: GPD Ends Night Shift Because Students Leave Campus
By Katie Oglesby, Assistant News Editor The Gettysburg Police Department has recently reported that they have ended their night shift. “You know, with all of the students gone and no longer running out in the streets in the middle of the night, we’re not really ‘essential business’ in the early hours of the morning anymore!” said one unnamed police officer. “All of the townies just go to sleep. No one’s out committing crimes anymore...
April Fools: College Reaches Deal to Build Links at Gettysburg Right on Top of the Battlefield
By Garrett Glaeser, Sports Editor In light of the Women’s Golf Team winning nine consecutive Centennial Conference championships and the Men’s Team winning last year, the college has reached a deal with the National Park Service to establish the Gettysburg Battlefield Country Club (GBCC). Construction will begin this fall and the course should be ready for exclusive college use by the summer of 2022. The layout will cover nearly the...
April Fools: boB Spotted Using iGrad to Manage the College’s Finances
By Benjamin Pontz, Editor-in-Chief When a team focused on student retention rolled out a new financial literacy platform called iGrad last month, they thought it would be useful for students in need of a loan, an interest rate calculator, or help finding scholarships. As part of the Charting Your Course (CYC) extended orientation program, first-year students were asked to create a profile and take a Financial Wellness Checkup....
April Fools: JMR Spotted on Tropical Island
By Anna Cincotta, About to Stage a Coup on Ben Pontz It was the morning of Sunday, March 15, 2020 when a Gettysburg student recognized Janet Morgan Riggs on a beach in the Maldives. The student, a participant in a semester-long, unaffiliated study abroad experience on the tropical island, said that the former college president was reading A Salutary Influence: Gettysburg College, 1832-1985 under an orange and blue umbrella when...
April Fools: First Year as President Went Exactly According to Plan, Iuliano Says
By Benjamin Pontz, Editor-in-Chief “Had you asked me when I took office last July whether I would have the opportunity to deal with a squirrel cutting power to the entire campus, proclaim ‘Bob Day,’ cut the budget before students even arrive due to under-enrollment, set up an online college, bring students home from abroad, and cancel Commencement all in one year, I’d have said you’re crazy! But thanks to...
April Fools: 12 People You’re Likely to Encounter on Zoom
By Garrett Glaeser, Sports Editor The Early Bird – This person has been up since 5:30am. They’ve gone for a run, read the newspaper (yes, a newspaper), showered, and completed next week’s readings before their 8am. Their research paper has been done since February 20 and they’re currently finishing their study guides for finals. You want to be like them but know you’ll never amount to such greatness. 5 more minutes of sleep turns into...
