April Fools: JMR Spotted on Tropical Island

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
JMR was on the beach!

JMR was on the beach!

By Anna Cincotta, About to Stage a Coup on Ben Pontz

It was the morning of Sunday, March 15, 2020 when a Gettysburg student recognized Janet Morgan Riggs on a beach in the Maldives. The student, a participant in a semester-long, unaffiliated study abroad experience on the tropical island, said that the former college president was reading A Salutary Influence: Gettysburg College, 1832-1985 under an orange and blue umbrella when spotted. 

“It almost felt like she didn’t want to be seen, or that she was in hiding? Somehow, though, I just knew it was her. I’m not sure why—but I guess she was wearing a Gettysburg College baseball cap. Her husband was also reading the latest edition of The Gettysburgian magazine,” the student said. “Now that I’m reflecting on the whole thing, those were pretty big giveaways.” 

According to our source, Riggs was also sporting a JMR Student Center t-shirt and handing out Servo oatmeal raisin cookies to passersby. 

Shortly after receiving the anonymous student tip, The Gettysburgian staff succeeded in placing an international call to the former college president. Riggs confirmed that she had, indeed, moved to the Maldives in mid-March. 

“I mean, look. I miss Gettysburg, but it’s wonderful here. I’ve taken to giving impromptu Psychology lectures on the beach, and have a devoted class of retirees who attend daily! I keep a whiteboard in the sand next to my beach chair in case any of my new students have difficulty with the assigned course material. Being an accessible educator is very important to me thanks to my background in the liberal arts.” 

When asked what she would do if she were in Iuliano’s shoes right now, given the current challenges facing the college, Riggs’ answer was simple and straight-to-the-point: “Retire.”

“The Maldives are beautiful year-round, Bob,” she added. “Plus, I’m sure you could find a place where they put pineapple on pizza.” 

Author: Anna Cincotta

Anna Cincotta ’21 serves as the editor-in-chief of The Gettysburgian, and is a political science major with a minor in peace and justice studies. She previously served as the opinions editor, and works on campus as a Peer Learning Associate and Research Assistant for the Political Science Department. If you see her in Commons, feel free to strike up a conversation about dogs or the most recent episode of “The Daily."

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