April Fools: College Reaches Deal to Build Links at Gettysburg Right on Top of the Battlefield

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
Gettysburg Battlefield is set to be remodeled into a golf course. (Photo Allyson Frantz/The Gettysburgian)

Gettysburg Battlefield is set to be remodeled into a golf course (Photo Allyson Frantz/The Gettysburgian)

By Garrett Glaeser, Sports Editor

In light of the Women’s Golf Team winning nine consecutive Centennial Conference championships and the Men’s Team winning last year, the college has reached a deal with the National Park Service to establish the Gettysburg Battlefield Country Club (GBCC).

Construction will begin this fall and the course should be ready for exclusive college use by the summer of 2022. The layout will cover nearly the entire battlefield complex with spectacular views and historical landmarks to give the course some personality. 

Notable holes will include the Par 3 seventh on Little Round Top where the green lies some 220 yards away on the heights of Devils Den, and the Par 5 sixteenth that takes players across the famous grounds of Pickett’s Charge. The round will begin on Oak Ridge and finish at the famous copse of trees on Cemetery Ridge.

The clubhouse will be located on Oak Hill, adjacent to the Peace Light, and all students, faculty, and alumni are free to start registering lockers with the Athletic Department office. The top floor of the clubhouse will be residential space for golf team members only. 

Additionally, the rising senior class can begin applying for golf carts. Any customizations one wishes to add to their golf cart will be charged directly to their student account. A new golf cart only parking lot will be put behind Musselman Stadium where the current football practice fields are.

A putting green will be installed on Stine Lake and the driving range will be located at the current intramural fields behind the tennis courts. Both amenities will be accessible 24 hours.

The campus bookstore will be selling glow in the dark golf balls for those particularly adventurous students who wish to play at night in hopes of seeing some ghosts. 

A fraternity and sorority tournament will be held every October, and the winners of each will receive the GBCC Trophy and highly coveted Orange Jacket only to be worn on campus grounds. The faculty tournament will be held during the second week of May to celebrate all students finally being off campus, the winner receiving an extra semester of sabbatical.

Executive Director of Intercollegiate Athletics Mike Mattia says he hopes the addition of a private golf club will really give the Bullets golf programs an edge in the recruiting process.

“You can’t really find a more competitive experience in all of college sports than D3 golf. The environment is just electric,” said Mattia. “With our own golf course, we are better positioned to attract the finest recruits to come and win national championships.”

Corey Jewart, Director of Athletic Communications, has been in contact with CBS sports to get the exclusive rights to Jim Nantz so he may announce every single round of play. One of the Bullet Hole TVs will play 24-hour coverage of the action on the course.

Admissions has released a statement to all current members of the high school classes of 2021 and beyond that while Gettysburg remains test optional, all students applying to Gettysburg must have a handicap of less than 10.

A new FYS titled “Half the Game is Looking Good” will be offered to incoming first-years curious about how to better dress for the links. Specific topics will cover how best to sport pastel colors as well as the subtle art of matching one’s belt and hat color.

The Majestic will be holding one day seminars for all campus members on how to properly golf clap and Vineyard Vines will become the exclusive apparel provider for all Gettysburg athletics.

Meanwhile, the Center for Career Engagement and the GLC have collaborated to create a one year experience where students will be introduced to the proper methods of conducting business on the golf course. After all, it’s where the biggest deals are made. 

Finally, the Eisenhower Institute will be launching a new program that plays to its greatest strength … participants will learn the art of schmoozing on the fairways. 

Though the installation of a private golf club in one of the country’s most visited National Parks may inconvenience millions, it seems the college has positioned itself nicely for the future with such a move.

GBCC will undoubtedly become yet another hallmark of the unique educational experience Gettysburg College has to offer and is sure to be wildly popular amongst all members of the campus community.

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Author: Garrett Glaeser

Garrett Glaeser '21 is in his second year as the Sports Editor for the Gettysburgian. Previously, he served as a staff writer for the sports and opinion sections. From Baltimore, MD, Garrett is working on a double major in history and philosophy. He is also the manager for the men's lacrosse team and a Leadership Mentor at the Garthwait Leadership Center. In his free time he enjoys running on the battlefield and playing on the club soccer team.

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1 Comment

  1. I’ll be brining my clubs out from now on!

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