April Fools: First Year as President Went Exactly According to Plan, Iuliano Says

Posted By Benjamin Pontz on Apr 1, 2020 | 1 comment

President Bob Iuliano: It truly is a new era of productivity at Gettysburg College! (Photo Allyson Frantz/The Gettysburgian)

By Benjamin Pontz, Editor-in-Chief

“Had you asked me when I took office last July whether I would have the opportunity to deal with a squirrel cutting power to the entire campus, proclaim ‘Bob Day,’ cut the budget before students even arrive due to under-enrollment, set up an online college, bring students home from abroad, and cancel Commencement all in one year, I’d have said you’re crazy! But thanks to the hard work of our supremely committed staff, I have been able to get all of that done and more. It is truly a new era of productivity at Gettysburg College!”

Thus began an email sent by President Bob Iuliano to the campus community Wednesday afternoon, the 433rd campus-wide communication of his young presidency. With campus cleared out due to the coronavirus, Iuliano said he has had time to reflect while jogging around campus in training for the upcoming “Social Distance Half Marathon of Adams County,” in which participants retrace the steps of Pickett’s Charge to an oncoming barrage of hand sanitizer launched out of cannons by exasperated ER doctors looking on from Little Roundtop. (Goggles encouraged, but not provided.)

According to college historians, Iuliano’s first-year progress stands out among a sea of go-getters that have previously held the office of Gettysburg College President.

“I mean, look. The first Hanson managed to make compulsory chapel palatable to heathen Gettysburg College students, and then the other Hanson managed to get Dwight Eisenhower to show up to a Gettysburg football game, but getting the faculty of Gettysburg College to embrace online education?!? That’s truly magical stuff. This faculty can barely be cajoled to show up to a biweekly meeting on time,” said Ike Burke, the noted college historian.

While Iuliano’s predecessor, Janet Morgan Riggs, preferred to couch her ruthless budget control as part of the “sustainable excellence program,” Iuliano has taken a far more direct approach.

“This campus has shown it can withstand a Civil War, so I figure why bother with the niceties,” Iuliano said in an interview that he insisted be conducted as he sliced a pineapple in preparation for a new nutritional campaign he plans to launch in the fall to slash college healthcare costs. “If it takes a global pandemic to get the college’s finances under control, well, so be it. The Trustees didn’t bring me in to dawdle.”