April Fools: 12 People You’re Likely to Encounter on Zoom

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
Zoom Gallery from a meeting of the Gettysburgian Editors on March 22, 2020

You’ll find all of these stereotypes on The Gettysburgian staff!

By Garrett Glaeser, Sports Editor

  1. The Early Bird – This person has been up since 5:30am. They’ve gone for a run, read the newspaper (yes, a newspaper), showered, and completed next week’s readings before their 8am. Their research paper has been done since February 20 and they’re currently finishing their study guides for finals. You want to be like them but know you’ll never amount to such greatness. 5 more minutes of sleep turns into 2 hours and all of a sudden you become the Snuggle Buddy. (See No. 9)
  1. Victim of Parent Intruders – Chances are this has happened to you or a close friend. You have zoom all set up, you’ve gone over the two very simple rules with your family: no loud noises and no coming into your room. Yet your father seems to have forgotten the all-important rule #2. He stayed up late last night watching a movie because he is enjoying this working from home thing and wants to say good morning, except he says good morning to your entire 9am in just his boxers. Invest in door locks people.
  1. The Food Connoisseur – It might be your 10am, it might be your 1pm, heck it might be that pesky 6:30-9 class, but this person is always there enjoying a nice snack or meal. It’s as if they’ve brought the delicacies of their kitchen to your front door. Scrambled eggs with hash browns? This person is living large in social isolation. They’ve become their own personal chef. They’re actually taking on Bobby Flay when this whole virus thing is over. Look for their speciality at Servo next fall.
  1. The Pet Introducer – Most of us like this person. They bring their furry friend on screen with a little introduction. It’s a nice way to start class but once things start going, if the paw patrol is still roaming around in the background it becomes less cute and more distracting. Maybe even worse is Dr. Evil cradling his perfectly still Persian cat in his lap, those dark eyes glaring at the screen, penetrating your soul. You’re not a cat person and that cat knows it. Wait, you’ve been called on, you don’t even know what class you’re in, time to pretend your mic doesn’t work. (See No. 7)
  1. Quick Fingers – Kings and queens of the chatroom, these speedy typers rule the domain of the zoom chatroom. They have private chats going with everyone. All seems to be going well until that fateful moment when you accidentally reply to everyone. Oh no! Professor has a strange look on her face. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Care to explain?” Time to “accidentally” leave the meeting and re-log on. “Sorry,” you say, “I don’t know what happened. Zoom was glitching out on me.” Whew, that was close.
  1. The Streaming Wizard – Netflix? Hulu? Amazon Prime? This person has got it going. They’ve got their headphones plugged in and are locked in to their twelfth run-through of The Office. Bears? Beets? Battlestar Galactica? Yes to all three! They know what’s going to happen with Jim and Pam, but they just can’t help themselves. They’ve perfected the art of looking like they’re paying attention to class so they somehow squeak by with never getting called on. You envy them, but you got called out doing it last Monday and just can’t run the risk.
  1. Malfunctioning Mic – Oh boy, get a load of this guy. They come on, forget to mute their mic and for the first 10 minutes of class you hear the insufferable static of them shuffling around in their seat. Finally, they recognize their mistake and mute. Ah, peace and quiet. But wait, what’s that? Their hand is raised? (See No. 12) They have a question? Noooo! They unmute, the static is back but it is so much worse. They’ve somehow never learned proper microphone etiquette and are simultaneously whispering and shouting all at the same time. You have no choice but to mute your entire computer until they’re done.
  1. The Background Maestro – Now this is one cool cat. They’re at the beach or out for an afternoon hike in the span of seconds. Is that Glat Hall? Are they back at school? Did they not get back to campus in time to get the rest of their stuff? I thought we weren’t supposed to be there. No, they are just zoom experts, and have mastered the ability to change backgrounds at a whim. They’ve made it their mission to travel to a different place every class. It’s actually taking the place of their study abroad program next fall.
  1. The Snuggle Buddy – You are cordially invited by this person to join them under the covers of their queen size bed. Chances are they just got up (see No. 11) or maybe they are taking this class “from the comfort of your home” a little too literally. The lighting is off. It’s too dark. You can barely see their face. Did they fall back asleep? Is anyone going to do anything? No, the professor is giving them a break. It’s 8:30am on a Tuesday and they live on the west coast. Class is just cruel and unusual punishment.
  1. The Fluorescent Angel – This person is blessed with an overhead fan or light that is always at just the right angle where you can’t see any of their face due to the glowing halo enhancing their bad hair day. Hey, ease up on the judgments. We’re at home! Combs aren’t necessary! Showers are mostly optional until your mother forces you to! Could they reposition their laptop so we can see their face? Sure, but why? They might be an angel sent from above! But chances are probably not. After all, no one has been to church for a while. Happy Easter! (Is it Easter yet?)
  1. The Night Owl – Back at the ‘Burg bedtime was around 1am but at home it’s closer to 4. This is why you chose last spring to not have class until 2 in the afternoon. Hold on, it’s Tuesday! You have a 10am! Should you get up? What else do you have to do today? That’s what I thought. But don’t worry, relax, you need not do anything to prepare. Look towards your friends #9 and 10 for assistance.
  1. Arm Day – The gym has been closed for some time now but this person has somehow found a way to keep up their gains on Zoom. Are they doing push-ups mid class? No, they have simply clicked the “raise hand” button and forgotten to turn it off. That blue hand just won’t go down. Do you message them? Ask Professor to pause class so they can take it down ? There’s no way they are in a constant state of questioning (unless they’re a philosophy major). After a while, Professor notices it and asks them to virtually lower it. What a great workout! Time for a shake at the Dive! Oh… never mind.
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Author: Garrett Glaeser

Garrett Glaeser '21 is in his second year as the Sports Editor for the Gettysburgian. Previously, he served as a staff writer for the sports and opinion sections. From Baltimore, MD, Garrett is working on a double major in history and philosophy. He is also the manager for the men's lacrosse team and a Leadership Mentor at the Garthwait Leadership Center. In his free time he enjoys running on the battlefield and playing on the club soccer team.

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1 Comment

  1. Tag yourself. I’m #4.

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