April Fools: Admissions Announces New Residence Hall to Premiere in Fall 2055

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Joseph Maguschak, Staff Writer

Showing prospective students and their families the musty-smelling hallways, pee-stained shower curtains, and compact rooms with decorative cinder block walls and alcoves posing as closets – defining characteristics of the infamous yet lovable Stine Hall – used to cut it for Gettysburg College’s Admissions Office. At one time, a quick walk through Stine Hall presented future Gettysburgians with adequate living accommodations, and, with no questions asked, they would be in and out of the building before they could even think to question the stench of marijuana wafting down from the second floor. However, the Admissions Office has recently been discussing ideas of other ways to show off residence halls here at the College.

We at The Gettysburgian sat down with an employee of the Admissions Office to get more information.

“I really wish there were a way we could just – I don’t know – walk just an extra five minutes over to Huber Hall and show the tour groups its much better space, or even maybe –  spit-ballin’ here – an extra two minutes over to Hansen. But ludicrous ideas like those didn’t get me to where I am today,” complained Head of Admissions Tours Connie Smith ’73. “Fortunately, we here at the Admissions Office have done the next most plausible thing!”

“We really want to amp up the way we show off our residence halls while still giving students a true look at what it’s like to live here. So we thought the best way to do that is to build a completely new residence hall ten miles from campus that current students have absolutely no access to! They will, of course, be funding it, though. It’s brilliant!” continued Smith.

In Fall 2055 – that’s right, almost five times faster than it took to renovate the College Union Building – Gettysburg College will be unveiling its newest residence hall: Lincoln’s Address. Located fifteen minutes from campus, Lincoln’s Address will be a soaring skyscraper with unparalleled views of the battlefield and downtown Gettysburg. It will feature spacious rooms with jetted-whirlpool tubs, flat screen televisions, 5-star dining services, a shopping mall, lap pool with swim-up bar, complimentary essay writers, Rolls Royce transportation to and from campus, and two – count ‘em, two – ply toilet paper in every room!

“We realize that the building of this new complex will be taking Stine Hall out of the spotlight of the admissions and touring process, and we feel deeply bad about that,” blushed Smith. “We’ve been asked to renovate the building, but we simply do not have the funds for that. But to compensate the poor students that live there, the Admissions Office will be taking care of some issues to make the Hall even better, and we couldn’t be more excited.”

Mrs. Smith shared some of the top-secret upgrades with us at The Gettysburgian.

The list includes:

  • More durable toilet paper – they’re thinking something made by the Sand Paper™ brand
  • Each room will be equipped with two (2) pocket fans, oscillating of course
  • Help with closet space – perhaps a complimentary hanger (used)
  • More private bathing facilities – a bucket and hose outside near the trash and recycling receptacles

Smith ended by saying, “We truly cannot wait to unveil this project in the near future and really hope that it encourages students to enroll at Gettysburg. Ultimately, our main goal is to unapologetically give prospective students a look at what it truly is like to live and work here at the College. And we want nothing more than for this project to help trick– I mean get students excited about the college experience!”

April Fools’ Special

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Author: Joe Maguschak

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