College Unveils New DPS Task Force on Marijuana Possession (April Fools)
By Carter Hanson, Magazine Editor Last week, Gettysburg College unveiled the Natural Highs Legion (NHL), which will be tasked with seeking out marijuana possessors and punishing them to the fullest extent of the law. “Marijuana possession is a serious problem here at Gettysburg,” said Alan Wirtz, Executive Director of DPS. “To be frank, we at DPS have had enough of the skunk, and we’ve decided to take action. Serious action.” In the...
President Iuliano Opts for Handwritten Letters over Email (April Fools)
By Casey Ottaway, staff writer In a communiqué yesterday, President Bob Iuliano announced that his infamously verbose campus-wide emails will be replaced by handwritten letters “for the foreseeable future.” The statement, which was distributed to each of Gettysburg’s 2,517 students by an unkindness of trained ravens that had been out of work since 2019’s Game of Thrones finale, was delivered on what appeared to be impressively...
98% of the Class of 2022 to Accidentally Graduate with a Minor in Peace and Justice Studies (April Fools)
By Phoebe Doscher, Editor-in-Chief An exclusive Gettysburgian report reveals that nearly every student in the Class of 2022 will graduate with a minor in Peace and Justice Studies. “The results are unbelievable,” Registrar Brian Reese said. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.” Reports show that Peace and Justice Studies Director Hakim Williams has sent hundreds of emails to students alerting them that they have all the...
The Entire Student Senate Impeaches Themselves (April Fools)
By Phoebe Doscher, Editor-in-Chief At Monday’s Senate meeting, the unexpected happened. Senators moved to impeach every member of Student Senate, including committee chairs, senators, and the entire executive board. This news comes on the heels of a number of impeachment trials over the past academic year. This time, the reasoning behind the impeachments was simple: Senate must start fresh, and the only way to proceed with fair...
Class of 2023: Gettyburg’s First Class of All Super-Seniors (April Fools)
By Victoria Staub, Arts and Entertainment Editor Current juniors, the class of 2023, have not had an easy experience at Gettysburg College thus far. Having never experienced a full, normal year at Gettysburg without COVID restrictions, our almost-seniors are not ready to leave. Whether or not they were ready to leave, however, is insignificant given the fact that no student of the class of 2023 will be able to graduate during the...
