President Iuliano Opts for Handwritten Letters over Email (April Fools)
By Casey Ottaway, staff writer
In a communiqué yesterday, President Bob Iuliano announced that his infamously verbose campus-wide emails will be replaced by handwritten letters “for the foreseeable future.”
The statement, which was distributed to each of Gettysburg’s 2,517 students by an unkindness of trained ravens that had been out of work since 2019’s Game of Thrones finale, was delivered on what appeared to be impressively antique scrolls of parchment. Closer inspection, however, revealed these to be pieces of standard A4 printer paper that had been soaked in tea like a fourth-grade history project.
The switch from email to quill-and-ink has prompted a divisive response, with one student hailing the decision as “dope as hell,” while the Gettysburg Environmental Concerns Organization released a statement condemning the move as “unfathomably wasteful,” noting that the over 4,000-word missive was delivered in five installments totaling more than 15,000 pages of paper.
At press time, Iuliano had recently been spotted wearing a brace on his right wrist.