College Unveils New DPS Task Force on Marijuana Possession (April Fools)

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Carter Hanson, Magazine Editor

Last week, Gettysburg College unveiled the Natural Highs Legion (NHL), which will be tasked with seeking out marijuana possessors and punishing them to the fullest extent of the law.

“Marijuana possession is a serious problem here at Gettysburg,” said Alan Wirtz, Executive Director of DPS. “To be frank, we at DPS have had enough of the skunk, and we’ve decided to take action. Serious action.”

In the past week alone, NHL has seized more than 420 pounds of contraband weed, having intercepted a large shipment to RISE House early in the morning on Monday, March 28. According to a Gettysburgian investigation, this weed has been held in the DPS hut, although an anonymous whistleblower reports that joints have gradually vanished since Tuesday.

“There is no missing hashish!” insists DPS Officer Mary Jane Fitzgerald, taking a long drag on a “cigarette.”

DPS Officer Tony Ramoni rips a bong as he signs a warrant for the arrest of a student caught in possession of marijuana. “We’re giving these kids a choice,” swaggers Ramoni. “They can either put their big boy pants on and start acting like an adult”—[rips bong again]—”or they can spend time in a little shack behind the DPS hut we’re calling the ‘High House.’”

Students and faculty have questioned the choice of “High House” for the detention facility, as the name seems to encourage the formation of an anti-RISE House. While High House will be primarily dedicated to NHL correction efforts, it will also be listed as a theme house and will be accepting resident applications for the 2022–23 academic year.

“Yeah, bro, you know, we’re looking for chill people to live with,” said Jocelyn “Lazy Eyes” O’Donald, the house leader of High House. “We really like DPS for making highs, um natural highs, a priority, and for putting all the weed in the hut so we can, um, stop people from using it.”

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Author: Carter Hanson

Carter Hanson '23 is the Magazine Editor of The Gettysburgian. He has previously worked as Opinions Editor, Investigative Reporter and Staff Writer. He is a political science and philosophy major from Boulder, Colorado. Beyond the Gettysburgian, he serves as the Treasurer of Gettysburg College Democrats and is a member of the Four Scores A Capella group. When not in class or busy with one of his many extracurriculars, he enjoys crushing the competition in Wordle, reading sci-fi parables of political theory and skiing down the steepest mountains he can find.

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