April Fools: Editor-in-Chief Ben Pontz “Thought We Were Social Distancing the Whole Time”
(A real photo of Ben Pontz smiling)
By Lauren Hand, Magazine Editor
Two weeks ago, Gettysburgian Editor-in-Chief Ben Pontz was sitting in his office in Plank basement, furiously typing behind a venerable wall of Bullet cups, when he received the news that the college would transition to remote learning in accordance with the CDC’s recommended social distancing practices.
“Wait,” he said, squinting in the sunlight as he emerged from the basement for the first time all semester, “I thought we were social distancing the whole time?”
As it happens, Ben Pontz ‘20, who cited Oscar the Grouch as his personal role model, has spent his entire life carefully maintaining six feet of distance from all other people. We checked in with him to see how he is handling the CDC’s recommendations.
“Truthfully,” said Pontz, “it’s just not that different.”
Pontz is still living on campus, having barricaded himself in his office using piles of unread copies of The Gettysburgian. He reports that he has enough supplies to remain there without leaving until 2030 at least.
Because of his status as a senior citizen (as Gettysburg’s most senior senior, born at the age of 70, he just celebrated his 92nd birthday), he feels that he is not only happiest, but also safest if he remains in his office until the virus recedes.
Suffice it to say that Pontz, who typically avoids gatherings of ten or more people, is thriving under these new circumstances. The only substantive difference for Pontz is that, for once, people have stopped barging into his office.
“Finally,” he said, leaning back in his chair, surrounded by rolls of toilet paper. “Some goddamn peace and quiet.”
