President Obama plans to institute new “Good ‘Nough” Program
By Josh Wagner, Political Expert Repeated claims that America is no longer great led President Obama to put forth a new legislative agenda for the remainder of his term. Fearful that Americans would question his legacy, his ambitious agenda will focus on branding America’s current state of affairs. The president was quoted saying, “Folks, I don’t really understand what the problem is. Unemployment’s down, healthcare’s up, and we’re...
Ten Secrets Gettysburg Doesn’t Want You Knowing…#7 WILL SHOCK YOU!
By Brendan Raleigh, Conspirator-in-Chief 1. Most people assume Gettysburg College was named after its current president and founder, Janet Morgan Riggettysburg. But would it shock you to find out that Gettysburg College is actually named after the town of Gettysburg, the place where the college is currently placed? 2. In the same vein, the college’s role in the Battle of Gettysburg has been severely downplayed. In 1863, the college...
Tour Guide ‘really excited’ about Gettysburg, assures parents Greek Life ‘not that prevalent’
By Jamie Welch, Web Editor Parents and prospective students alike confirmed to reporters Tuesday that they were “very impressed” with the tour of campus offered by the Office of Admissions that started at 11:02a.m. on March 29. Veteran tour guide Rob Schaeffer ‘16 was responsible for showing the guests around campus, and all who were on the tour agreed that his enthusiasm and dedication to the school really stood out. “He only had the...
Report: easier to pass Organic Chemistry than find a seat in Servo at lunch
By Jamie Welch, Web Manager According to new research published Tuesday in the Journal of Applied Statistics, it is now easier to pass Organic Chemistry than to find a seat in Servo at lunchtime. “Our research has found that the marginal benefits of one extra unit of effort in Organic Chemistry have now exceeded the marginal benefits of an identical increase of effort in finding a seat in Servo,” the report reads in part. “You would...
The Gettysburgian endorses Donald Trump for president
By Jenna Seyer, Political Correspondent The Gettysburgian is proud to announce the endorsement of America’s only orange, orangutan-related candidate running for president. The newspaper staff believes that it’s time for a change. Let’s elect something different—it’s time for a presidency with free spray tans included. Donald Trump brings a whole lot to the table. He’s rich—very rich. He’s so rich that “he’s the only candidate who can...
Student drops cup at Servo, forced to transfer
By Julia Sippel, Staff Writer On Sunday, March 20, a sophomore student was eating brunch in the dining center when his life changed forever: he dropped his cup. Per admission standards, he is now required to transfer schools, much to his dismay. “I just wanted chicken and waffles,” said the visibly distraught student, who wishes to remain anonymous at this time. “I never wanted this to happen….” The student was clearing...
