Report: easier to pass Organic Chemistry than find a seat in Servo at lunch

A report in the Journal of Applied Statistics determined it is statistically more likely for a Gettysburg student to pass Organic Chemistry than to find a seat in Servo at lunchtime.

A report in the Journal of Applied Statistics determined it is statistically more likely for a Gettysburg student to pass Organic Chemistry than to find a seat in Servo at lunchtime.

By Jamie Welch, Web Manager

According to new research published Tuesday in the Journal of Applied Statistics, it is now easier to pass Organic Chemistry than to find a seat in Servo at lunchtime.

“Our research has found that the marginal benefits of one extra unit of effort in Organic Chemistry have now exceeded the marginal benefits of an identical increase of effort in finding a seat in Servo,” the report reads in part.

“You would be much more likely to succeed in any task you choose that is not finding a seat in Servo,” it continued.

According to the report, things more likely to happen than finding a seat in Servo include being struck by lightning, winning the PowerBall, being bitten by a shark, and being elected President.

The report offered several tips to maximize your chances of finding a seat.

It states that your chances of finding a seat increase by 50% if you are willing to throw your tray down at any empty space regardless of who’s sitting there.

This method is not ideal and can lead to some awkward situations, so several clever entrepreneurs have reportedly begun capitalizing on the limited supply of tables by claiming tables late in the breakfast hours and then selling them to hungry students as the busy lunch rush begins.

These so-called “table scalpers” have reportedly made quite a fortune by selling you the very tables you already paid for.

Many students told reporters that there is often no alternative to the table scalpers and they are forced to pay whatever exorbitant price they decide to sell the table for.

“They asked me if I wanted to argue about the price, or get to eat before I starved,” one student commented. He added, “I was so hungry that I just shelled out the $15 so I could shove some food into me before my next class.”

“We’ve got ‘em right where we want them,” a table scalper commented, “they will pay anything to get to eat their food in a seat.”

Organic Chemistry students celebrated the news by suddenly realizing that Organic Chemistry did seem like a cakewalk compared to the struggle of finding a seat in Servo.

“I didn’t think that Organic Chemistry could be made to seem trivial, but the stress and struggles of the seating situation in Servo at lunchtime has made stereochemistry seem as easy as tying my shoes,” commented Francesca Flores ‘19.

The report also indicated the second least likely place to find a seat during the lunch hour is The Junction as people give up on Servo in favor of the Bullet Hole.

A follow-up study will be done to determine whether the results also apply to eating breakfast and dinner at Servo, and what time to go to optimize your chances of finding seats.

“Although the study isn’t complete, it looks like around 1:13 p.m. is ideal,” said one of the researchers off the record. “The first wave of students coming from their morning classes is already starting to leave, and it’s right before students come in for Lite Fare.”

One student reported that she appreciates the study findings. “It really validates my struggle and makes me feel like others are in the same boat.”

April Fools Day Special

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Author: Jamie Welch

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