Men’s Lacrosse and Football Teams Trigger a 4.2 Magnitude Earthquake in Jaeger Center (April Fools)

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Ella Prieto, Editor-in-Chief

On April 1, the Men’s Lacrosse and Football Teams triggered a 4.2 magnitude earthquake in the Jaeger Center. Students exercising in Jaeger were more annoyed by the team than usual, as their loud grunting and stampeding into the weight area caused machines to move, with several students injured.

Students on treadmills reported their machines began drifting sideways, while others attempting to use cable machines found the equipment swinging wildly of its own accord. Sarah Quinn ’28 described being thrown from a stationary bike mid-sprint.

“I thought it was a truck going by at first,” she said. “Then I heard the grunting, and I knew.”

Those injured in the incident ranged from a bruised elbow to a pulled muscle. Health Services confirmed they treated at least five students in the aftermath, though none of the injuries were described as serious.

The Gettysburgian reached out to Seismologist Dave Ross to help explain the phenomenon: “These two teams hooting and hollering at the same time were a unique event in Gettysburg,” he explained. “The synchronized stomping, the coordinated dropping of weights, the acoustic resonance of 80-plus athletes grunting in unison all led to a seismic event. Frankly, I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

Dr. Ross added that, while the 4.2 magnitude reading was “modest by global standards,” it was unprecedented in Adams County and has already been submitted for review in the Journal of Applied Geophysics under the working title, “Anthropogenic Seismicity in Collegiate Recreational Facilities: A Case Study.”

Athletic Director Troy Dell issued a formal apology to the campus community later that afternoon, acknowledging the disruption and pledging to take corrective action. “We deeply regret the inconvenience and injuries caused by this morning’s workout overlap,” Dell said in a written statement. “I am working closely with the head coaches of both Men’s Lacrosse and Football to better coordinate practice schedules and to develop a comprehensive noise mitigation strategy.”

Currently, the Jaeger Center has reopened to the general student population, though a small crack discovered in the wall near the squat rack remains.

Author: Ella Prieto

Ella Prieto '26 serves as the Editor-in-Chief for The Gettysburgian. Previously, she worked as the Managing Editor, News Editor, Assistant News Editor and as a staff writer for the News and Arts & Entertainment sections. Ella is a double major in Public Policy and Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies with a Writing Minor. On campus, Ella volunteers with the Casa Swim program, is an It’s On Us Fellow in the Office of Sexual Respect and Title IX, the President of Order of Omega and is a member of Alpha Omicron Pi. She loves to read and keep up with celebrity drama in her free time.

Share This Post On

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *