4/1 Faculty Meeting: April Fools

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Ella Prieto, Editor-in-Chief

President’s Report 

President Bob Iuliano began the faculty meeting with an acknowledgement of the Jokster holiday that the meeting fell on.

“For the first time in several years, the College is no longer operating in a deficit,” he began. “April Fools!”

Iuliano then transitioned into announcing a newly formed committee that will produce recommendations to help reduce the deficit. How the committee plans to generate ideas, or when the College community will be made aware of those ideas, Iuliano did not elaborate on.

Kahoot Technical Difficulties 

After the President’s Report, the meeting was delayed due to a Kahoot technical difficulty as the faculty tried to ensure that quota was reached. Why the College uses Kahoot for attendance and voting in faculty meetings remains unclear.

Provost’s Report 

Provost Jamila Bookwala asked the faculty to please be nicer to her.

“Seriously, please,” she pleaded.

Bookwala also mentioned another feedback form her Office is sharing, emphasizing that she would appreciate constructive criticism, not plan vitriol.

Change in Tenure Home Policy 

For the tenth straight meeting, the faculty contemplated passing the Change in Tenure Home Policy. Several faculty members presented on the new changes aiming to appease the faculty, before the floor was open to comment. One faculty member begged fellow faculty to please pass the policy so “we can all be put out of our misery.” Another member attempted to make a motion that was so confusing, even the Parliamentarian could not follow.

Ultimately, another issue was raised with the policy after a half hour of discussion, and the policy will be discussed in the next faculty meeting.

Author: Ella Prieto

Ella Prieto '26 serves as the Editor-in-Chief for The Gettysburgian. Previously, she worked as the Managing Editor, News Editor, Assistant News Editor and as a staff writer for the News and Arts & Entertainment sections. Ella is a double major in Public Policy and Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies with a Writing Minor. On campus, Ella volunteers with the Casa Swim program, is an It’s On Us Fellow in the Office of Sexual Respect and Title IX, the President of Order of Omega and is a member of Alpha Omicron Pi. She loves to read and keep up with celebrity drama in her free time.

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