Sauron to Join the Campus Community

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Laken Franchetti, Editor-in-Chief

As a new alternative revenue stream, the cupola of Penn Hall is now occupied by the eye of Sauron.  After the destruction of his tower in the land of Mordor, Sauron the Dark Lord made an agreement with the College’s administration to watch over the campus for use of the cupola.

Penn Hall as Sauron’s new home. (Photo edited by Laken Franchetti/The Gettysburgian)

Although Sauron has had a tricky relationship with humans in Middle Earth, sources say that he is looking forward to partnering with the College. President Bob Iuliano shared that Sauron’s interest in the College’s strategic direction made the decision possible.

“He really believes in the strategic direction of the College,” Iuliano said. “Sauron understands the consequential work that we are completing for the benefit of our students, and he wanted to be a part of that momentous effort.”

Sources have reported that the College has been compensated fairly in the agreement. It has also been rumored that Sauron would be added to students’ personal advising teams should they wish to explore the art of necromancy and career-ready experiences related to dark magic.

One student expressed their unease at the news: “Seems a little weird to me, you know?  I get that the College wants to get some money, but knowing that Sauron is watching me walk to class is unsettling to say the least.”

“I’m pretty excited about it,” another student shared.  “Sauron’s a legend!  I can’t wait to learn from him in the Pathways Program.”

Sauron declined to comment on his entrance to the campus community.

Author: Laken Franchetti

Laken Franchetti ’24 serves as the Editor-in-Chief for The Gettysburgian. She has previously served as News Editor, Assistant News Editor and as a staff writer for the news and arts and entertainment sections. Laken is an English with a writing concentration and history double major. On-campus, she is the Editor-in-Chief for Her Campus, the Nonfiction Genre Head for The Mercury and a user services assistant at Musselman Library. Laken is also a Lincoln scholar and spent the Fall ’22 semester abroad in London and Lancaster, England. In her free time, Laken is an avid film fan and enjoys reading.

Share This Post On

1 Comment

  1. When asked about the corrupting power of the rings that he supplied to the President’s Council, Sauron replied, “I’m not going to get into the tick tock of who did what when.”

    Post a Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *