Gettysburg Smoothie Co. Will Only Serve “Conse-Quench”

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Cassidy Haines, Social Media Manager

Over the weekend, administrators announced that the Jaeger Center location of Gettysburg Smoothie Co. will be reducing the options on its menu in favor of the College’s newest project: launching a new natural carbonated drink and slushy called “Conse-Quench.” 

Replacing the fresh fruit and açai bowl choices with flavored, sometimes carbonated ice and water was a decision inspired by the popularity of the Slurpees at 7/11, according to the notice by the administration. However, President Bob Iuliano believes Conse-Quench is a much better choice than the options offered by competitors.

“Unlike the way those other drinks and slushies will give you a sugar high, Conse-Quench instead gives you a career-ready experience that prepares you for life outside of school and helps your productivity flourish,” Iuliano states. “And, even better, you can use your dining dollars on it! Make sure to refill them!”

32 flavors of Conse-Quench are set to be offered at Gettysburg Smoothie Co. in honor of the year Gettysburg College was founded, 1832. Each flavor will be available as a bottled soda or as a slushy in a range of sizes. Iuliano hand-picked each flavor with the student experience and future careers in mind, and though the full list has yet to be unveiled, he revealed a few sneak peeks.

“They range from your typical ‘Cherry Cola,’ ‘Lemon-Lime’ and ‘Mango’ to what will probably be more popular: ‘Business Professional Navy Blue Pantsuit,’ ‘Consequential Original Ice’  and ‘Career-Ready Red 40,’” Iuliano says. “My favorite is ‘Orange and Blue,’ which tastes like mint chocolate chip mixed with a little citrus, if I had to describe it.”

Although Gettysburg Smoothie Co. does not serve soda or slushies this way at its flagship location, and there will no longer be smoothies or açai bowls at the College location, they will not be renaming the location back to “The Dive.” According to the message from the administration, Gettysburg Smoothie Co. will remain partnered with the College and is keeping its name and brand attached, though Conse-Quench will only be served on campus.

Gettysburg Smoothie Co. will be closed for the next week while the change is implemented and Conse-Quench is prepared.

Author: Gettysburgian Staff

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