College Announces New Graduation Requirement Mandating All Students Memorize the Gettysburg Address

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Vince DiFonzo, Staff Writer

Four score and seven minutes ago, President Bob Iuliano sent a campus-wide email outlining a new requirement that students must memorize and recite the entire Gettysburg Address to graduate. This new requirement will be enforced beginning with the Class of 2024 this semester. The College also announced that the entire Gettysburg Address will be included in every future student digest email. 

In order to fulfill the requirement, students must take a zero-credit course that meets three times in the semester. For each hour-long session, students will repeat the Gettysburg Address over and over again. In the last session, each student will recite the Gettysburg Address in its entirety in front of the entire class.

“But in a larger sense we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this campus nor a bachelor’s degree if students are not memorizing the Gettysburg Address,” Iuliano explained in the email. 

Further, the email explained the decision to introduce this requirement, “Today, we must honor the legacy of Abraham Lincoln. The world little notes, nor long remembers what Lincoln said here, but it can never forget what he did here. This is why we, as Gettysburgians, will memorize the Gettysburg Address.”  

John Normal ’25 commented on the new requirement, “I already have it memorized, I had to do this for social studies class in like seventh grade I think. Watch this… fourscore and seven years ago, our father brought forth, on this continent a new nation, conceived in… uhh… uh… shi-.” 

The Class of 2024 has entered into a state of panic as they scramble to memorize the Address. Students have been heard across campus frantically reciting Lincoln’s famous remarks over and over again. 

Graduation for the Class of 2024 is in two score and seven days from now. Get studying, Gettysburg. 

Author: Vincent DiFonzo

Vincent DiFonzo ’25 was the Opinions Editor and Lead Copy Editor for The Gettysburgian. He is an IGS international affairs and double history major with minors in political science and economics. On campus, Vince is an editor for the Gettysburg Social Science Review (GSSR) and Managing Editor of Ike's Anvil. Additionally, Vince loves traveling, geography, and discovering new music. Vince is currently studying abroad in Berlin.

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