Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
By Nicole DeJacimo, Managing Editor
- Veggie Sushi from Kazue: Sure, this may be the only meal-swipe sushi left at 9:47 after your night class but its lack of flavor really gives your unfulfilling Tuesday a full-circle feeling.
- A single gallon of gas: If you are lucky, you might get 1.5 gallons depending on your county. This could get you far enough to Target and back.
- Half of a Servo dinner: You’ll need to save up two hours of hard work before being able to afford this luxury. I would recommend waiting until they serve “Grilled Salmon Faroe” to remind yourself you went to school in a landlocked state.
- A coffee date with Bob: Assuming Mr. President won’t pay for your drink, you can splurge on a large toasted vanilla latte with oat milk or a medium coffee with a donut on Fridays. Be sure to schedule this during his 15 minutes of office hours once a month.
- A walk into the bookstore: After Barnes & Noble bought out the orange and blue, the bookstore has become more of an experience—a museum to walk through while buying and returning your textbooks.
- A pack of salt from the Health Center: Have a slight cough? White phlegm in your throat? A broken arm? Make sure to pick up a few packages of salt in the Health Center you could have gotten for free in the Bullet Hole.
- Literally nothing else: Unless you work for the CUB desk 😉
