April Fools: FIJI Chapter Members Replaced with Fiji Water Bottles, Greek Evaluation Score Jumps from 19.8 to 82

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
The chapter house for FIJI is now being used as general student housing after the fraternity was suspended in the fall after COVID-19 health and safety protocol violations (Photo Mary Frasier/The Gettysburgian)

(Photo Mary Frasier/The Gettysburgian)

By Piper Mettenburg, Features Editor

In light of the events of last semester, Jon Allen from the Office of Student Activities and Greek Life (OSAGL) made the executive decision to replace all FIJI brothers with bottles of water.

“The decision wasn’t easy but we felt like it had to be done,” Allen said. “It was the only way to maintain a sense of normalcy on campus without having an increased risk of COVID transmission. I know students feel like the pandemic has turned their worlds upside down, so this was our effort to make things seem as normal as possible.”

In order to ensure the presence of Greek Life on campus doesn’t get wiped away during the pandemic, OSAGL ordered 20 bottles of Fiji water and fitted them with baseball caps, muscle shirts and airpods.

Students have reported seeing the bottles of water at various spots on campus.

“I was walking by the stadium lot when I looked up on Fiji porch and saw several bottles of Fiji water laying out in the sun. Honestly, it looked peaceful. I might try to rush next year.” said Jack Herr ‘23.

Julianna Pestretto ‘21 reported seeing a team of ten socially distant Fiji water bottles playing cornhole on Stine Lake.

“Well, they weren’t really playing so much as standing. Wait–can I use that verb? I don’t know how to describe what they were doing … anyway, whatever they were doing looked good to me.”

Since these changes have been made, Fiji’s Greek Evaluation score has jumped by more than 62 points.

“Given the positive response, we might look into keeping them around next year,” said Jon Allen, taking a sip out of one of the bottles.

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Author: Piper Mettenburg

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