April Fools: Underground Rushing Continues Online (Remote Hazing Very Effective)

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
Sigma Apple Pie's chapter flag

Sigma Apple Pie’s chapter flag

By Gauri Mangala, Managing Editor

Students of Gettysburg College have been extremely active in their advocacy for different student groups that have been affected by the move to remote learning. Acts of generosity and movements of positivity have provided many with hope in a time of much uncertainty, but perhaps students have missed the mark and have neglected a group that has been immeasurably affected by the coronavirus: frats.

“How are we supposed to finish up our underground spring rush events?” said Chad Beauregard ‘21, President of Sigma Apple Pie (SAP). “How are our recruitment chairs supposed to carry out our hazing rituals?”

Wade is just one of many fraternity brothers that has had to put a halt to his spring event calendar. Without the ability to graduate a spring rush class, many fraternities, like Sigma Apple Pie, will see a hit in their funding for philanthropy events and, more importantly, cheap beer and crab legs.

Nevertheless, all is not lost. Preston James Rutherford IV (‘19 and counting), SAP Recruitment Chair and super duper senior, has developed a virtual hazing events calendar. “While we can’t throw pledges down the stairs and give them alcohol poisoning, we still can do a lot of damage through zoom,” said White. “The plan right now is to ship care packages of Naturdays to our pledges and have them shotgun them one-by-one online. After they chug them, we will have them venmo us for the beer, and place their laptops at the bottom of their staircase and throw themselves down.”

When asked what the plan was for pledges with single story houses, White was quick to say, “Nobody who can’t afford a second story belongs in Sig App.”

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Author: Gauri Mangala

Gauri Mangala '21 currently serves as the managing editor for the Gettysburgian. Gauri is originally from Langhorne, Pennsylvania. Aside from her work with the Gettysburgian, Gauri is the treasurer for the Owl and Nightingale Players. She is a double major in Theatre Arts and Anthropology.

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