April Fools: Squirrels are Nut Happy with their Wages
The squirrels have attempted to take over Penn Hall. (Photo by Gauri Mangala/The Gettysburgian)
By Lauren Hand, Magazine Editor
Tuesday afternoon, around 4:00 p.m., the few essential employees remaining on campus noted a mysterious noise: “a sort of chirping and scratching,” said Rod Tosten as he came to the end of another busy day of fixing the Moodle. By 4:15, the sound had become so disruptive that he went to investigate, only to discover that all of the squirrels on campus had gathered on the steps of Penn Hall as a part of their first ever demonstration.
Their demand was clear: higher wages.
Roughly 500 bushy tailed creatures perched with defiance on the steps, some holding tiny picket signs saying things like: “Wages have us up a tree;” “These deductibles are nuts;” and “We’re tired of foraging for healthcare.”
Though it is not unusual for the squirrels to be agitated, on Tuesday, they were organized.
As it happens, all of the squirrels hired by Gettysburg College to run around create what Admissions has referred to as a “nature vibe” are currently paid just above the minimum wage, at 7.50 nuts/hour. This is to say, squirrels make .25 nuts above the minimum wage for students. But is it enough for squirrels who are raising families, maintaining nests in our trees, and stowing nuts for the winter?
One squirrel who has been working for the college for two full years (likely the majority of her life), argues that it’s not.
“The cost of a tree on campus is astronomical,” she said, as she scurried up and down our reporter’s leg. “And the winter is long. We need an affordable place to hibernate.”
Many squirrel employees hope that their children may benefit from a Gettysburg College education one day. However, the college has yet to officially consider admitting bright young squirrels.
“Squirrels need the liberal arts, and the liberal arts need squirrels,” said Vice Provost Jack Ryan, who is currently running a committee under the name Squirrels Make Great Students, which hopes to see squirrels matriculating by 2024.
In the meantime, according to the woodland friends we surveyed, squirrel wages are unsatisfactory. In addition to cost of living, squirrels argue that their wages fail to account for their life span, which is two or three years on average.
“How can I possibly save for retirement?” asked another squirrel, sitting on the edge of a trash can outside Musselman Library.
This morning, the squirrels issued their ultimatum: a decent living wage and healthcare they can afford, or they are packing up and moving to Dickinson.
