April Fools: Digest to Replace Glatfelter Bell

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Danielle Sicotte, Staff Writer

Over the past several years, the dreaded piling up of old college digests has plagued the Gettysburg College student. The upperclassmen receive two daily, but the first years, who are still at a most impressionable age, receive four every day.

Because of the sheer number of lengthy digests, every student can be charged guilty of archiving a digest without bothering to read it. This proved to be problematic due to the essential information they provide for the entire campus community, like when the knitting group is meeting and what movies are playing at the majestic theater.

To solve this most urgent issue, the Director of Campus Communications and the College Health Center worked jointly to develop a more direct and less stressful method of communicating the campus’s events. After mere weeks of arduous labor, they have decided to replace the hourly Glatfelter Hall Bell with an hourly digest.

With the rise of technology, the Glat Bell has been deemed completely unnecessary as everyone on campus can easily know the time through their phones, wall clocks that are actually accurate, and homemade sundials.

The head of the Digest Bell Project, who wishes to remain anonymous, defends their new approach, “We have found that a sort of hourly bell system would provide more direct communication to the students without all of the intimidating emails.”

This new method is certainly a very direct, if not the most direct way of communicating the digest to students.

In addition to this, The Health Center also added that this Digest Bell will be voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, whose voice has been scientifically proven to lower the heart-rate and blood pressure of those listening.

Some students upon hearing this became worried because they live off campus and would not be able to hear the digests. Concern was also expressed by students going home over breaks for similar reasons. To resolve this issue, the Board of Campus Communications is currently hard at work developing an add-on to the Gburg Great app to send the voiced digests via mobile device.

The transition to the Digest Bell will be made as soon as possible, but due to Cumberbatch’s busy schedule, we may just have to wait until next year. But once it is up and running and you need to know what’s happening on campus, just take a listen and the Digest Bell will answer… Every. Single. Hour.

April Fools’ Special

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Author: Danielle Sicotte

Staff writer Danielle Sicotte ’22 is contemplating a major in chemistry and/or physics with a French minor. She is originally from Westminster, Maryland. When she is not nerding out in French, Danielle is usually compiling playlists for her weekly WZBT radio show and watching Monty Python.

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