April Fools: 13 Things that Could Survive in Quarry Pond

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Maddie Neiman, Features Editor

Located on the outer edge of campus by the pavilion and Painted Turtle Farm, Quarry Pond is well-known among students for being an inhospitable ecosystem. Rumors abound about the mysterious, supposedly toxic contents of the water.

Some believe that the pond is home to biohazardous waste from the biology and chemistry labs, while others speculate that the murky depths gained their uninhabitable status by collecting the runoff from the stress-induced tears of Gettysburg students for over nearly two centuries.

Many first-year students, upon arriving on campus, receive warnings from their upper-class peers:“Don’t even think about stepping foot in there. Like, sure, it’ll be a hot day, and you’ll want to go swimming. But trust me. It’s not worth it.”

While we may never know what lurks in this questionable body of water, here are thirteen things that are just terrifying or nauseating enough that they could very likely thrive in Quarry Pond:

1. The shared trash-can in a first-year floor’s bathroom.

2. A ceiling panel from Hanson Basement, circa 2017-2018.

3. Rising tuition rates.

4. The sound that the metal sculpture in front of Science Center makes when it’s really windy outside.

5. 8 a.m. classes.

6. Night labs that run late.

7. The person who prints an entire textbook in the library during peak busy hours.

8. A sorority sister’s frat shoes (or froes, if you will).

9. “Classes will be held at the discretion of faculty” emails.

10. Another Gettysburgian article about Greek Life evaluations.

11. An essay written at 4 a.m. and powered solely by adrenaline.

12. The liver of a fraternity brother.

13.  Old college yearbooks.

April Fools’ Special

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Author: Maddie Neiman

Madeleine (Maddie) Neiman ’21 is the Managing Editor of The Gettysburgian during the fall 2019 semester. She previously served as Features Editor. Maddie is pursuing a double major in History and English (with a writing concentration) and a minor in German Studies. On campus, she is President of Alpha Phi Omega, the national co-ed service organization, and she works as an Ambassador for the Admissions Office, an Office Assistant in the English Department Office, a Peer Teaching Assistant for the German Studies Department, and a Research Assistant for Professor Kerry Wallach of the German Studies Department.

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