Facilities to Replace Washing Machines with Wishing Wells

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
(Photo Jamie Welch/The Gettysburgian)

(Photo Jamie Welch/The Gettysburgian)

By Morgan Hubbard, Staff Writer

Starting in April, the college will be replacing the washing machines in every residential facility with wishing wells. The project will begin April 1st and is estimated to take three weeks. Facilities services will be posting more specific information about which residence hall laundry rooms will be closed on which dates in the next few days.

Each current washing machine will be removed and donated to the Art department for next semester’s modern installation on capitalism and money laundering. The new wells will be built with the bricks salvaged from the old portion of the College Union Building, and the water will be supplied from a direct drainage pipeline from the sidewalks surrounding the library.

“We really wanted to make this project sustainable and think about the lasting impacts on our students. It’s like a wish come true,” said the Director of Facilities Services.

The new wells will unfortunately only operate with coins and dollar bills. College vending dollars will not be accepted, and any student ID thrown in the well will not be retrieved until the project ends, likely in 2025. Student Senate is currently debating whether to demand that coin machines be put in the laundry rooms as well.

The initiative was launched after a significant number of complaints were lodged about the condition of the washing machines available for use in several residence halls. One student wrote, “I might as well throw my money down the drain. At least then it might get cleaned.”

In a meeting last month, the Better Use of Funds Committee voted to make the replacements a priority before the summer months.

“We are really sad to see that so many of our students have been struggling to get their laundry cleaned for so long. I really just wish someone would have told us sooner,” said a member of the committee.

The objective is to provide students with an opportunity to manage frustration with the facilities concerns and raise money for better laundry services in the coming years. The committee included members of Facilities Services, College Life, the Health Center, and the Counseling Center in order to foster a multi-dimensional approach to the objective.

“Students have really been struggling with stress and depression lately, so I think that giving them an outlet like this, one that implies hope for the future, will have really great impacts,” said one of the school counselors.

A member of the Health Center staff was relieved that “the committee gave consideration to the diameter of the wells and considered the safety of our drunken students.”

Students have not been as excited about the project as so many administrators have. One student commented on the college’s Facebook announcement of the decision: “My first wish will be for a working washing machine. My second will be for Dickinson to accept my application.”

April Fools’ Special

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Author: Morgan Hubbard

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