The Gettysburgian endorses Donald Trump for president
By Jenna Seyer, Political Correspondent
The Gettysburgian is proud to announce the endorsement of America’s only orange, orangutan-related candidate running for president. The newspaper staff believes that it’s time for a change. Let’s elect something different—it’s time for a presidency with free spray tans included. Donald Trump brings a whole lot to the table. He’s rich—very rich. He’s so rich that “he’s the only candidate who can build things the best.” And, not only can he build things, but he’s such a charmer: “It really doesn’t matter what the media writes as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” That really tugs at the heartstrings of women in the country; he’s so respectable that he even wants me to stay in the kitchen! What a perfect gentlemen to have as President of the United States! *throws up on keyboard*
Even better, Donald Trump wants to put up a giant wall and make Mexico pay for it, something that was originally proposed on YikYak by a baked college student: dude, how about like a huge-ass wall or something idk. “Sometimes it pays to be a little wild!” If we get into arguments with international officials, no biggie; we’ll just build more walls! Genius. Why didn’t anyone think of that before? And, if you ask Donald Trump about his positions on important issues, he will probably have you thrown out of his rally or pushed aside by one of his personal assistants. Bruised by Trump’s first-hand man! What an honor! But that’s what Trump is all about: action! And, don’t get me started on his hands: he has huge hands. Donald Trump has the very best hands in the race for presidency. If Donald Trump’s hands were running for president, they would probably get more votes than John Kasich and Ben Carson combined.
But, we’re just getting started here. Before our endorsement for Trump, a select group of Gettysburgian reporters worked hard to poll Donald Trump’s growing popularity. To hear the opinions of the public, our staff reached out to several young, highly-qualified individuals at the Gettysburg Growing Place. When asked about Trump’s foreign policy, little Bobby Williams, age six, said, “BOOM, so fantastic,” impressively quoting directly from a recent Trump speech. Eight year-old Samantha Taylor added that Trump “has the best words” and “will make America great again,” then turned to her classmate Becky and said, “you’re a disgusting loser” for wearing a TrusTed button (another exceptional comeback inspired by recent Republican debates). As you can see, Donald Trump is really winning over the pre-k demographic.
The Gettysburgian’s endorsement of Donald Trump is because all of the other candidates are “complete morons.” We wouldn’t want a zodiac killer as president, right?
Trump is our best, orange bet.
April Fool’s Day special