‘Substance Abuse House:’ A Look Inside the Newest Gettysburg College Residential Space (April Fools)
By Vincent DiFonzo, Editor-in-Chief The college house program at Gettysburg College gives students the opportunity to live in tight-knit communities united by a common interest or identity. The newest college house — Substance Abuse House — seeks to bring students looking to take the edge off together into one residential community. “Here at Substance Abuse House, we don’t judge,” the house’s mission statement reads. “Feel like...
G-Tech Announces Upgrade to the WiFi Upgrade (April Fools)
By Sarah Daniels, Content Manager On April 1, Gettysburg College’s Information Technology announced a plan to upgrade the ongoing upgrade for the wifi. Reallocating money from “highly overfunded departments like English” will allow the College to finance the expensive $16 million dollar upgrading project. “We have decided to ruin both our networks, gbcwifi and gbcnet,” the head of College IT said. “We are looking forward to upgrading...
Students Discover Freemason Conspiracy Involved with Gettysburg College (April Fools)
By Gettysburgian Staff On April 1, a group of students uncovered a Freemason conspiracy involving Gettysburg College, possibly dating back as far as 352 BCE. The conspiracy seems to center mostly around the manipulation of major political, economic, and technological figures, with a plan for total control via a run on the banks. The students who discovered this did not seem to care much for the fact that a secret cult was...
College Announces Plans for Student Nightclub on Campus (April Fools)
By John Buford, Fake Writer In a recent campus-wide announcement, the Office of Student Activities and Greek Life (OSAGL) announced that the College will open a nightclub on campus for students and faculty. This announcement comes in light of the recent success of the College’s campus bar, which opened in late January, offering students free alcoholic beverages served by their peers. The nightclub, named the “Lincoln Lounge,” will...
Administration Proposes the Reinstallation of Paxton Hall Motel Pool (April Fools)
By Sophie Lange, Features Editor On Friday, The Gettysburgian came into possession of several planning documents that detailed the proposal for the reinstallation of the pool in front of Paxton Hall, thanks to an anonymous email. The most recent of these documents indicates that Gettysburg College President Bob Iuliano is aware of and approves of these plans. The Gettysburgian has corroborated this via an interview with an unnamed...
Student Senate Votes to Fund Full Playground (April Fools)
By Cassidy Haines, Magazine Editor On the morning of April 1, an email from the Office of Student Activities and Greek Life (OSAGL) announced the plans for a playground to be built on the open area between Glatfelter Hall and Pennsylvania Hall. The message shared that the Student Senate had voted in favor of funding the project during a meeting with College administration called on March 31. The announcement was shared on behalf of...
