By Celena Glaghassi, Assistant News Editor
On March 31, at approximately 6:07 p.m., the Gettysburg Police Department was dispatched across the town in search of a critical missing object: a plastic fork. Soon enough, the entire town was mobilized. Grassroots efforts were launched, protests took place in Lincoln Square, and school walkouts were staged at both the high school and the College.
“The last time we saw a display of unity and community like this was the great Servo Cookie shortage of 2023,” said a bystander, taking a much-needed break from their doomscroll.
After 19 minutes of chaos in town, President Donald J. Trump deployed the National Guard to assist the townfolk.
“We have to find the fork; it’s a matter of national security,” said some guy in a suit and sunglasses.
Eventually, the ghost of Thaddeus Stevens imparted divine wisdom upon Professor D’Addario, who suggested the search be moved to the Sigma Nu house. Upon arrival at the house, the brothers of Sigma Nu seemed worried about people looking through their house, particularly their oddly dark and decrepit basement, but after being threatened with being moved to the Alpha Chi Rho house (shed) next semester, they eagerly complied with the search.
Upon entering the basement, investigators were immediately met with a series of obstacles, including but not limited to: a mysterious fog machine that no one admitted to owning, a suspiciously sticky floor, and a single folding chair placed ominously in the center of the room.
Eyewitnesses claimed the basement “was designed like a saw trap.”
Despite the thorough search of the basement, the fork was nowhere to be found. Tensions rose. People crode. Rumours spread. Even the reenactment club stopped polishing their shoes or muskets or something.
Newly elected Student Senate Vice President, Garrett Bumps ’28, told a journalist, “This is so Alpha Chi NO!”
At 6:33 p.m., just as the town crier (a sophomore history major who begged for the role) prepared to declare a state of municipal despair, a breakthrough occurred. Suddenly, a first-year student identified as “Hanson Gooner” approached the authorities with critical information.
“I saw something shiny in Servo earlier,” he said, visibly shaking. “I thought it was a spoon or something, and I was so busy talking to Regina that I wasn’t paying attention.”
A convoy of police officers, gold carts, and one very determined Facilities truck— that definitely had better things to do— rushed to Servo. Unfortunately, they were held up by the 4th graders on a tour of the dining hall for some reason, but eventually they were granted access after using their last meal swipe for the week.At 6:47 p.m., officers entered the Servo kitchen. What they found changed the course of the investigation—and the town—forever.
There, resting peacefully beside a stack of napkins and a bottle of Sriracha, was the missing plastic fork.
“It was… just sitting there,” said one officer, still processing the discovery. “Like it wanted to be found.”
The town erupted in celebration. Bells rang. Someone set off fireworks of questionable legality. The ghost of Thaddeus Stevens reportedly dapped up the employees at City Mart before fading back into the ether.
When asked how the fork ended up in the kitchen, authorities stated that the investigation is ongoing, though early theories include “human error,” “divine intervention,” and “someone put it there.”
At the time of writing this, the fork has declined to comment on the incident.
