By Sarah Daniels, Content Manager
On April 1, Gettysburg College’s Information Technology announced a plan to upgrade the ongoing upgrade for the wifi. Reallocating money from “highly overfunded departments like English” will allow the College to finance the expensive $16 million dollar upgrading project.
“We have decided to ruin both our networks, gbcwifi and gbcnet,” the head of College IT said. “We are looking forward to upgrading the upgraded wifi systems.”
The College plans to finance this $16 million dollar upgrade by drawing on English and Sunderman Conservatory funds.
“Those departments can’t function without Wifi,” President Bob Iuliano stated in a campus-wide email “The student body can’t function without the Plank Bar, so we were utterly forced to take it from those greedy academic departments!”
The upgrades to the upgraded Wifi will not help it function any better. In fact, as per the last upgrade, the Wifi will be impossible to connect to, and, hopefully, crash every single day.
“Prepare for twenty more emailed riddles on how to use the new WiFi,” the head of IT announced. “We will ensure each is more confusing than the last, and we are already working on the upgrade for the upgrade for the upgraded WiFi.”
Students can expect this project to be finished by 2030. In this time frame, the IT department asks that students only connect to WiFi once a semester to conserve the bandwidth. Complimentary carrier pigeons and smoke signals will be distributed to ensure students can contact professors at ungodly hours.
The IT department’s commitment to making sure the printing portal for Musselman Library does not work either will be unbothered by this project. They hope the upgrade to the upgrades will render the printing portal completely unusable.
