Student Senate to Advise the Actual Senate

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Katie Oglesby, Editor-in-Chief

The president of Student Senate reached out to The Gettysburgian with a particularly interesting story this week: the United States Senate called her to ask for their help and advice on how to get members to be respectful.

Student Senate President Jane Smith ’23 said, “I wasn’t surprised to get the call. It was only a matter of time before Congress realized how great we are at handling impeachments and disruptive members. We’re also really good with a government shutdown.”

Smith said Vice President Kamala Harris invited them to a special session with the Senate. They were going to sit down and have a conversation explaining the tactics Student Senate uses that the United States Senate might find useful.

“They even wanted help on their budget,” Smith said. “At least we aren’t in debt…yet.”

President Bob Iuliano sent out a campus-wide email announcing the initiative, sharing that Student Senate would be using the rest of the year’s budget to fund the trip to Capitol Hill for every voting member of Senate.

Student Senate Advisor and Director of the Office of Student Activities and Greek Life (OSAGL) Jon Allen was especially happy about the event. “It was about time someone recognized the great work our Senate does,” he said. “First, it was helping students get paninis back on campus and now it’s telling Senators to start impeaching each other instead of just the president!”

“I’m excited for the opportunity to talk to some of the more partisan members of Senate,” said one Student Senate voting member. “I really think I can give them some advice on being more loud about their politics during nonpartisan conversations.”

During the event, Smith said Student Senate would talk to the Senators about best practices for managing a deteriorating budget (including continuing to fund initiatives that only benefit the wealthiest members of the country), how to impeach your friends, and ways to keep your members from going to the press. 

Author: Katie Oglesby

Katie Oglesby ‘23 serves as the Editor-in-Chief for the Gettysburgian. She has previously served as Magazine Editor, News Editor, Assistant News Editor, and Staff Writer. She is an English with a writing concentration and political science major, hailing from San Diego, California, but now living in rural North Carolina. On campus, Katie works at the CUB information desk, is an Eisenhower Institute Fielding Fellow, and serves as co-service vice president for the service fraternity Alpha Phi Omega. She spent a semester abroad in Bath, England studying British literature and politics, and spent this past summer interning with the Winston-Salem Journal in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. She can usually be found perusing books in the Musselman Library browsing room.

Share This Post On

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *