Bubonic Plague Case Detected Originating from SNU Darty

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Alli Dayton, Managing Editor

On Monday, an email from President Bob Iuliano to the campus community informed students of a bubonic plague case being detected at Gettysburg College.

According to the email, students should be aware of bubonic plague symptoms including fever, headache, chills, and hallucinations of dead Civil War soldiers.

The student who contracted the bubonic plague has been quarantined off-campus.

Iuliano said that the college believes the case originated over the weekend during a beach-themed darty at the Sigma Nu (SNU) fraternity. He stated that students who attended the darty should contact the health center as soon as possible.

“I just wanted to drink a gallon jug of cheap alcohol and wear a bikini outside in the middle of March,” said Jenny Smith ‘26. “Now I have to worry about the plague.” 

Another darty attendee Suzie Jones ‘23, shared, “I’ve been through COVID and tuberculosis on campus, so I’m really not that worried.” 

The president of SNU, Joe Bro ‘24, insisted that he knew nothing about the plague or the alleged darty.

“I have no idea what a darty is,” said Bro. “Our brothers spend their weekends catching up on homework, giving back to the community, and taking care of local wild animals.”

Author: Alli Dayton

Alli Dayton ‘23 is the Managing Editor for The Gettysburgian. She is a Sociology and Public Policy double major and an Eisenhower Scholar. On campus, Alli is a Resident Assistant, a peer learning associate for the Public Policy Department, and the Treasurer of the mock trial team. She is also a member of Alpha Delta Pi.

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