By Emily Dalgleish, Opinions Editor
A tenured professor has been fired, effective immediately, due to a a failure to comply with the professional codes of conduct. The specific infraction was that he ate candy from the department bowl. The professor states that it was one Twix bar and a starburst, and a student eyewitness confirmed this account.
The administration informed professors of this policy this semester, clearly stating in an email “The candy bowls located around department offices are for students and students alone. The costs of professor consumption have become too much for the College to continue financing.” This is in-line with the many ways they have tried to recover from the financial cliff they face. Their financial strategy focuses on making key cuts that include buying thinner toilet paper, restocking Bullet condiments with leftover packets from takeout, and, of course, halving the candy budget for each department.
The professor, though he prefers to remain anonymous, submitted a statement, “I have been here longer than my students have been alive. I never could have predicted that 75 cents worth of sugar would lead to my downfall, but I’d rather not be at a school where that is the case anyways.” In response, an administrator also commented stating, “It is clear that this professor is not a team player. In these unprecedented and challenging times, we all have to make sacrifices.” He continued, “Him eating that candy was effectively stealing candy from a baby.”
For the remaining four weeks of the semester, his class will be taught by Nick Pogasic, mailroom extraordinaire, who knows better now than ever to keep a safe distance from any and all sugar.
