Gettysburg College: Bee Movie Edition (April Fools)
Bob Iuliano speaking for the bees at Commencement (Photo courtesy of Gettysburg College/Jason Minick; edited by Phoebe Doscher)
By Sarah Laud, Staff Writer
Head bee, Barry Iuliano, is preparing his commencement speech for the Gettysbee Class of 2022. As of right now, his speech goes as follows:
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. I mean, look at me.
Right now, I stand upon Pennhive Hall, where 4 years ago you all congregated for Convocation. The atmosphere was buzzing with new opportunities, new friends, and a new chapter of your life was about to begin. You probably are feeling the same anxiety and nerves that you did that day right now. Then, you were venturing outside of your hive. Now, you are leaving the hive that you have created for yourself ever since that day forward.
Some of you may recall that during my convocation speech, the one I have given to students before you and will give after you, I asked you all a question: Are you bee enough?
Now, that question may have daunted many of you. However, never once have I questioned any of your abilities to create a new hive here at Gettysbee College. I knew each and every one of you could take over the hive here. And today, you leave the hive in better shape than when you came here.
On that day in August of 2018, I heard plenty of parents warn their children of the same thing. I remember one distinct conversation I overheard between a father and a son. The father said, “You only have one decision to make in your life. To sting or not to sting. One sting and you’re dead. Everything that you have worked so hard for is here, so don’t mess it up.” The boy stood there and kind of rolled his eyes at his dad, tapping his foot. “C’mon Dad. D-BEE-S isn’t that scary.” You all chose the right decision not to sting. Because if you had, you wouldn’t be standing here today and for that I am eternally grateful. You made it.
Bees as a species haven’t had one day off in 27 million years. You’ve spent plenty of long nights in Stingleman Library. Longer nights, I’m sure of it, in Alpha Wing Omega. Pollenjocks have accomplished many wins on the field… apologies to the football team – some Pollenjocks just fly faster than you do.
It is a rare occurrence that I venture down the steps of Pennhive from my office. However, when I take the day and hitchhike around the hive, I am never disappointed with what I see. I see a lot of different bees around campus as I am sure you all have. Those with pierced thoraxes and dyed antennas and others with pollen in their back pockets waiting to be smoked at the next Sigma Honey Nut day party. However, at the end of the day, your charisma has shown me that we are all bees and part of the same hive, working hard together to make the hive a better place. And Gettysbee is better now ever since the day you decided to come here. Now it’s your turn to find a new hive and make that a better place.
As always, I have to include a little comedic relief in my speeches. So get ready for this one….Ya like jazz?
Now, let’s give a warm welcome to our next speaker, Vice President of College Life and Dean of Students, Antennae Erhlich.
