April Fools: 35 Things Admissions Wants the Class of 2024 to Know
Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
Students spend a lot of time in the recreational spaces of the JMR Student Center!
By The Gettysburgian Editorial Board
Hey Class of 2024!
Because Get Acquainted Day was canceled, the Admissions Office partnered with The Gettysburgian to release this official list of some really true things our tour guides want you to know.
The Gettysburgian, because of its high editorial standards, agreed to publish the list, but on the condition that it would be released on April 1. Pay no attention to the fact that it is part of our April Fools Special. Pure coincidence.
- There’s so much to do in town!
- Proximity to DC!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Only 30% of students are involved in Greek Life!
- Students are guaranteed housing “on campus” all four years!
- There is parking.
- Proximity to Philadelphia!!!!!!!!!!!
- Everyone goes to the marching band football game on Saturdays!
- Many political views are welcomed and valued as legitimate in campus discourse!
- Community meetings help to build community on your floor!
- Proximity to NYC!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Because sports teams can’t reserve the gym, there is no intimidation!
- Students don’t rush until sophomore year!
- OMS is just a liberal arts way to study business!
- The Conservatory is extremely accessible and open to students of all skill levels!
- The college has a unique approach to accessibility for all students:we make them go around and visit 17 departments to get their accommodations!
- Senate works for you!
- All the cool kids write for The Gettysburgian!
- With all of the sober CAB events, students don’t drink until they are 21! Sometimes not even then!
- DPS is there to protect you, not to get you!
- Gettysburg College values diversity and inclusion … look at the website!
- Printing is free and easy to use, even during that rush between lunch and your 1:10!
- Anyone can study abroad!
- The Fielding Fellows are chosen based on merit!
- Everyone I know participates in a social justice dialogue group!
- A leadership certificate from the GLC is a valuable asset!
- We are probably a Lutheran College, I think!
- Everyone participates in CPS programs because they genuinely value community service!
- Students really come out to support the sports teams!
- The Bullet Hole has so many options! You’ll never get bored!
- The College cares about sustainability!
- It’s really easy to join a new club or activity after your first year!
- If you don’t like any of our majors, it’s really easy to create your own!
- People frequent the research help desk at the library!
- Students don’t work that many hours in their campus jobs because they’re focused on their academics—but it’s okay because they’re compensated fairly!
- Everybody reads The Gettysburgian!
