A visitor in our swamp: Shrek to speak at Commencement

Photo credit to cgsociety.org

Photo credit to cgsociety.org

Jack Gentes and Alex Grun, Staff Writers

Satire

As the spring air warms Gettysburg’s campus, students enjoy the weather by going outside to sit on the comfy Adirondack chairs. The Adirondack chairs were going to be refurbished using funds raised by soliciting money from unexpected students during accepted students day, but only $56 was raised so the school plans on buying an industrial strength Whoopee Cushion for the admissions office.

In other news, graduation is drawing near and the school has finally announced who they have invited to speak at the commencement ceremony. No one would have expected the world-renowned movie star and ogre, Shrek, as the 2016 graduation commencement speaker. Actually Shrek didn’t expect it either, as Dean Ramsay called him to tell him early Saturday morning. Despite the surprise, Shrek was honored by this offer, but was also so startled he choked on his waffles.

The ceremony will be a little difficult for Shrek, as he will be the first ogre to ever give a commencement speech. We asked Shrek what he had in mind for the speech, and he let us know a few key points. He said that he really wants to highlight his time at the Gettysburgian, during which he wrote many satirical articles under the pseudonym “Jack Gentes and Alex Grun.” He also plans on having a lengthy section focusing on the importance of the movie Shrek, and why it should be shown in all elementary schools in America. Lastly, Shrek wants to convey the idea that much like ogres and onions, life after college has many layers.

Shrek also wanted to include a section about how college will prepare you for life, saying, “college will prepare you for life.” Our questioning brought up fond memories for him, as he teared up and reminisced of his own college experiences at Swamp University. Shrek remembers the days when he did cheers on the quad he lived in, called Far Quad. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss in Boots used to chant, “What are you doing in my swamp?” to get the school hyped for upcoming sporting events.

This ceremony is shaping out to be one of the best in recent years. It is not often that the school gets a speaker of such importance; so own your experience and live life like Shrek. Because Shrek is love, Shrek is life.

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