Whack-a-mole on the men’s lacrosse field: Gettysburg defeats Haverford College despite unusual mid-game alien mole invasion

By Meredith Tombs, Staff Writer

Photo courtesy of Gettysburg Athletics. Senior Geoff Davis flings alien moles during Saturday’s chaotic mid-game invasion.

Photo courtesy of Gettysburg Athletics. Senior Geoff Davis flings alien moles during Saturday’s chaotic mid-game invasion.

The Gettysburg Bullets defeated Haverford College in a decisive 12-4 victory this past Saturday, boosting their overall record to 5-2.

The Bullets took a strong 6-0 lead over the Fords, with first-year Blake Gray and senior Mike Distler emerging as leading offensive contributors.

Just as Gray snagged his fifth goal of the game, putting Gettysburg up 10-1 in the third quarter, there was a disturbance to the game.

A small aircraft, still unidentified by NASA, landed in the end zone of the turf field at a rapid speed, immediately burying itself. Seconds later, scores of what appeared to be moles began popping up at various intervals through the turf field, making an obvious journey toward the opposite end zone.

Players on both sides began whacking the moles with their lacrosse sticks, not knowing what other course of action to take. Teammates from both benches contributed to the showdown by emptying the practice bags and pegging lacrosse balls at the invading creatures, as a way to scare them off.

It was pure chaos. Officials stood dumbfounded while the announcer gave a play-by-play of the ensuing action.

“There were balls and shafts flying everywhere for a few minutes,” said a spectator. “It was really the most exciting display of athleticism Haverford College has displayed this whole season.”

The rodents seemed unconcerned by the sticks and balls attacking them. After their deliberate journey from one end of the field to the other, the moles stopped popping up through the turf and simply disappeared from sight.

The aircraft exited the scene in a hurry from the opposite end zone. It is assumed that the potentially mutated moles were on board during the departure. No DNA has been reportedly discovered in connection with the invading rodents.

The lacrosse competition was quickly moved to the grass field on the opposite end of the athletic complex, where the game was resumed.

The Bullets seemed slightly fazed by the strange turn of events, and Harverford was able to put up a bit stronger of a showing for the remainder of the game. Gettysburg came out on top, however, knocking the Fords down to .500 with an eventual victory.

Haverford Campus Safety Patrol is currently working with the Haverford Borough Police and NASA to address the situation and take further action. The Maintenance Department of Haverford College has since confirmed the integrity of Walton Athletic Stadium, deeming it safe for athletic competitions.

The turf structure was originally thought to be compromised by the invasion of the rodents this past Saturday. However, it was returned to its original state upon the departure of the unidentified flying object at approximately 2:44pm, as confirmed by the Safety Patrol and local police.

Division III athletic officials nationwide have been alerted of the strange events. Players, coaches, and officials will be briefed prior to all Division III sports being played on the East Coast for the remainder of the 2016 season.

Recommended action pamphlets will be provided for all spectators at athletic competitions. Athletes and coaches will also be required to undergo specialty training sessions provided by the Athletic Branch of the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation.

While another visit seems unlikely, there is no way to definitively determine the dissuasion of alien objects and creatures from invading the game at Musselman Field at Shirk Stadium on Saturday, April 2, where Gettysburg will take on Muhlenberg College at 3:00pm. The Mules hold a 3-6 overall record for their 2016 season.

Fans, friends, and family are all invited to cheer on the Bullets this upcoming Saturday. Additionally, spectators are encouraged to bring their own mallet-esque objects in the event of another mole invasion – it seems the team could use as much help as possible in such a situation.

*APRIL FOOLS DAY SPECIAL*

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