Your Daily Donuts: Lack of Syrian WMDs pushes US to brink
By Hunter Wiand, Columnist
In a surprising turn of events, what were originally thought to be chemical weapons used in the conflict in Syria have in fact turned out to be massive quantities of AXE body spray. UN investigators report that the Assad regime may in fact have been attempting to cover up the poor personal hygiene of soldiers loyal to him.
Conversely, anonymous French sources believe that the men’s deodorant was instead used as a sort of makeshift gas attack by rebel forces opposing the Assad regime.
Further investigation by the UN also uncovered a Syrian government warehouse containing over 2.5 metric tons of 2007 Ed Hardy clothing and over 2000 units of mesh trucker hats with phrases such as “I <3 Damascus,” and “Back to the War” printed on them.
After the reports were released, Congress called an emergency session and, in a senate vote of 98-2 and a house vote of 422-13, decided on decisive military action against targets in Syria. In both votes, only New Jersey dissented with Sen. Bob Menendez stating, “Ed Hardy and AXE is the leading factor in our state’s continued population growth and is responsible for over 89% of births in the last year. To take such a hardline stance against these products is to take a hardline stance against the entire New Jersey ethos.”
After the vote, what originally began as peaceful protests on the New Jersey shore, have devolved into violent riots. Local residents, when asked of their thoughts on Congress’ vote, called it “overly aggressive,” “hawkish” and “totally un-bro.”
The US Navy has already begun positioning ships armed with Tomahawk missiles in the Mediterranean and “Operation No ‘Mo YOLO Bro,” as the strike plan is being called, is expected to begin within the next 72 hours.
Hunter Wiand a first-year. He was born in Detroit, MI and has lived his entire life in the Metro-Detroit area. He is also a musician, a guitar player and singer. Fan of hip-hop and folk music.