April Fools: Updated Endangered Species List Now Includes Digest-Readers

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.

By Cameron D’Amica, Staff Writer

A total of three students on the Gettysburg College Campus who regularly read the Student Digest have been added to the endangered species list. The students have asked to be left anonymous for fear of the increasing threats to the survival of their species.

The digest is emailed around at 12 am and 1 pm on a daily basis, and many use the Digest as a makeshift clock that helps them keep track of where they are in their day. An example includes: “Wow, I just got the Digest, and I still have 5 pages left to write for my 9 a.m. Oops.”

Some even imagine the Digest as their sole constant in the ever changing daily life of a college student. “Everything is okay, I just got the Digest,” is a mantra that can be heard all over campus on particularly stressful weeks.

Although the Digest represents a beacon of hope and constancy to many students on campus, it is usually quickly deleted, ignored, or read sparingly. One student explains that “I’ve only read the Digest twice in the past semester. Actually, only once. I don’t think accidentally clicking on it counts.”

This is not true for the three reported students who actually read through the entire Digest on a daily basis. These avid Digest-readers read every announcement, every employment opportunity, every request, every event, and they even read the mid-day report that only have one event listed.  Sometimes, they are even reported to re-read the Digest.

Readers of the Digest have become so rare that the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has added them to the List of Endangered and Threatened Wildlife. The Digest readers are more rare than the Panamanian golden frog and people who take their laundry out of the dryer on time.

The hope of the community is that, through awareness, new resources, and the collective efforts of many activists on campus, one day Gettysburg College will be full of readers of the Student Digest.

When asked why they regularly read the Digest, the anonymous students took a few minutes to find an answer. One simply replied, “I have no idea.” Another commented, “I started my first year, and at this point, I can’t stop. It’s the only constant in my day.”

If you’d like to make a donation to save the species, please save your money, it’s a lost cause.

April Fools’ Special

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Author: Cameron D'Amica

Cameron (Cam) D'Amica '22 is a staff writer and copyeditor for The Gettysburgian.

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