Students Discover Freemason Conspiracy Involved with Gettysburg College (April Fools)
These mysterious symbols found on Glatfelter Hall prompted the unraveling of the conspiracy at Gettysburg College.
By Gettysburgian Staff
On April 1, a group of students uncovered a Freemason conspiracy involving Gettysburg College, possibly dating back as far as 352 BCE. The conspiracy seems to center mostly around the manipulation of major political, economic, and technological figures, with a plan for total control via a run on the banks. The students who discovered this did not seem to care much for the fact that a secret cult was guiding our society into a downward spiral for all time, but rather, that Gettysburg College was involved to begin with.
“It’s outrageous,” said Riley Applewhite ’26, who wished to remain anonymous. “The whole conspiracy about controlling the world? Yeah, I can understand that. I’m sure those are, you know, a dime a dozen these days. But the fact that our College is directly involved and helping with it? I wanted a consequential education, but not one as consequential as this!”
The College’s involvement seems to be directed around several teachers (who will go unnamed to spare them from public shame), whose goals involve brainwashing students with lectures and convincing them that “You know, a thousand years of pain and servitude isn’t as bad as you think.”
“The worst part, to me, is that it’s not just the College officials over at Pennsylvania Hall that are in on this,” said Aaron Price ’28. “It’s the fact that the professors are. The same people we laughed with, talked to for guidance, and trusted more than anyone else here are working towards a cult. I mean, come the hell on! What kind of-”
(The rest of Price’s statement was too inappropriate for a college newspaper)
There is no news yet on whether the food at Servo, the Bullet Hole or any other eatery on campus or in town are contaminated with chemical agents that assist in the brainwashing process, but the students say that it’s a possibility we shouldn’t look away from.
“I think the rivalry between the two is also something we should look into,” said Chad Wright ’26. “For years students have complained about which is better and which is worse, Servo or the Bullet Hole. Our theory is that this is a purposeful rivalry created by the College, teaching us to not pick one side and to treat the other as something evil and uncouth. Personally, I think both are pretty good, so that stage of their plan is probably in its infancy, at worst.”
The conspiracy was first found when the students noticed a Freemason mark carved into the outside of Glatfelter Hall, and after digging into the records of the building to learn more about it, they discovered the trail that led them to the conspiracy, most of which was confined to the southeast section of the third floor of Musselman Library.
“It was all right there the whole time,” said Abigail Stark ’27. “Sure, it took a while to find, but the mark isn’t even remotely hidden, not to mention the building’s records, and everything we found in the library and on Wikipedia, is all totally public information. Any schmuck could have found out what we did with a little bit of research, and I’m willing to bet the reason they didn’t is because the College is working to turn us into drones that aren’t curious about things like that.”
When the student group was asked what they plan to do to combat the conspiracy, especially when it is so deeply ingrained in our society, they said they are “working on it.”
“We have a few ideas at the moment,” said Mark Halberstram ’25. “Our main one consists of setting up a little information booth in the Bullet Hole and rewarding any student who listens with some candy. Other than that, we’re kinda blanking on ideas. Mainly because I’m graduating soon, and frankly, my personal studies in interpretive dance are more important than stopping a conspiracy directed towards world domination.”
