Posted By Gettysburgian Staff on Apr 19, 2023 | 1 comment

By Katie Lauriello, Contributing Writer

On Monday evening, author and podcast host Bill Mitchell and the YWCA Safe Home gave a lecture on dating and domestic violence. The lecture was based on Mitchell’s book titled “When Dating Hurts.” The event was co-sponsored by the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape, The Women’s Network, Alpha Omicron Pi and the Theta Chapter of Sigma Chi.

Mitchell opened with a story about his daughter Kirstin, who was stabbed to death by her boyfriend 55 times just weeks after her graduation. He explained the various warning signs in her relationship leading up to the murder, revealing emails sent hours before the murder that showed her boyfriend becoming increasingly controlling and threatening. 

After telling his story, Mitchell presented the first definition of domestic violence: “The willful intimidation to physical assault, sexual assault, battery, and other abusive behavior is part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another” 

According to Mitchell, all domestic abuse revolves around power and control, and he presented several warning signs of an unhealthy relationship: constant controlling behavior, isolating tactics, frequent mood swings or violent outbursts and physical harm.

Mitchell said that every abuser follows a template. First, they start out with a “storybook romance,” where one meets the perfect person of their dreams. Next, the abuser begins to isolate their partner. Then, the abuser will begin threats of violence that will escalate one day into actual violence. Finally, the abuser makes a convincing apology that will make the cycle repeat.

While some may not believe that domestic violence will ever happen to them or occur in their social circles, Mitchell explained that this is false. 

“One in three women will suffer serious physical violence in an intimate partner relationship,” said Mitchell.

Mitchell then gave the second definition of domestic violence as “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another in an intimate relationship.”

He reiterated that domestic violence stems from power and control because the abuser believes they have the right to control and restrict their partner, and the abuser’s thoughts and feelings come before all others. 

Mitchell then explained that domestic violence is a “learned behavior” from family, friends or pop culture. Nevertheless, he emphasized, “Abuse is a choice made by the abuser.”

Mitchell also stated that abusers and victims can be anyone. He suggested that when engaged in a conversation with a victim of abuse, it is important to listen and believe the person when they come forward. When describing what to look out for during a conversation, Mitchell advised attendees not to ask too many questions and to not interrupt the victim’s story.

Mitchell said that victims absolutely cannot solve the situation themselves or search for the abuser as those situations never turn out well. A person cannot get angry, aggressive or frustrated with the situation. Most importantly, someone can never forget that the feelings of the victim matter more than their own.

Finally, Mitchell gave the third definition of domestic violence as “a widespread epidemic of pain and suffering that leads to a lifetime of broken dreams.”

After the final definition, Mitchell explained that breaking up with an abuser is the most dangerous time in the relationship. He said there is no quick fix to breaking that connection. There can also be serious repercussions for breaking up, and it is absolutely necessary to work with someone who can create an “Escape” or “Safety Plan.”

Mitchell then introduced Safe Home at the YWCA’s Supervisory Client Advisor Mandi Howell and Prevention Advocate Rachel Edwards as people who can help.

Edwards began her part of the presentation by giving a history of the Safe Home organization. She gave the mission and vision of the organization, which is to provide services for victims of domestic violence.

After that, Edwards explained some of Safe Home’s services, including a 24/7 confidential hotline, legal advocacy and housing. Each of their services is based on their approach which combines “trauma-informed care, client-centered advocacy and empowerment.”

Once Edwards finished her presentation, the lecture opened to questions and comments.

One student commented on the presentation’s focus on male and female violence, even though the statistics about men who suffer from domestic violence are just as alarming, especially between two men. The student then asked how to create a new version of masculinity that steps away from violence.

Howell answered that education is the best place to start for any type of relationship, since many violent tendencies that start at a young age begin with bullying. Mitchell added that he previously lectured high schools and middle schools about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

He also noted that women are just as likely to be abusers. “One in four men have suffered serious physical violence from their female partners,” Mitchell said. Howell affirmed this, saying that many of their own clients are men, and that men are often too afraid to speak because of their shame.

Another student added that they were an intern for Adams County Sexual Assault Services and highlighted that organization as another potential resource for students.

A friend of the Mitchell family in the audience then shared a similar story with her own daughter. When describing what her daughter learned from the Mitchell family, she said that it was most important to “have a plan and follow through with it.”
For resources, Mitchell recommended Safe Home as well as calling the national hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visiting the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape and loveisrespect.org.