By Arty Fischel
On Saturday April 1st, Gettysburg College President Robert Iuliano announced to the campus community that both the Union and Confederacy had reached an agreement for a peaceful resolution following last week’s conclusion of the Halal Cart Accords.
When asked for a comment, one veteran of the Battle for a Constitution Lot Parking Spot stated “in my mind, there’s still a war going on.” Still mourning the loss of his social life, he paused his 300th rewatch of Gettysburg to add that what he’ll miss the most is “wearing a wool suit in the middle of August.”
Some, however, are more optimistic about the end of the College’s longest fictional conflict citing its potential impact on Gettysburg College’s infrastructure. After The Gettysburgian’s reporting on last year’s sewer line clogs at Hanson and Paul Halls, Dean for Residential Education and Relaxation Susan Eisenhower ‘78 announced that the sewage incident can be attributed to the troops’ steady diet of hardtack and Ben Shapiro debate clips.
By solving the sewer line conundrum, Ms. Eisenhower observed her most substantial accomplishment since ending the Cold War. Speaking to The Gettysburgian in between Caribbean vacations, she stated that the hardest part of the war was “not making it about my grandfather.”
Other witnesses to the fighting noted that while the end of the conflict provides hope for the future of our species, they will miss the crippling stench of body odor and loneliness as troops depart campus.
April 4, 2023
Is this real?