Aunt Izzie: Sidewalk Rulebook

Posted By AnnaMarie Houlis on Feb 15, 2013 | 0 comments

Dear Aunt Izzie,

I feel like my interactions on the sidewalk are always so awkward. Is there some secret sidewalk etiquette I don’t know about?

Sincerely,

Sidewalk Trouble

Dear Sidewalk Trouble,

To my knowledge there is no sidewalk rulebook, so I’m going to make one up right now.

Rule #1: When you are walking alone and another person is walking toward you, pull out your phone and look at it. Pretend to text. Pretend to go on Facebook. Actually go on Facebook. Keep your eyes on the screen. Caution: Do not attempt in the proximity of trees with low-hanging branches.

Rule #2: People who walk in large groups and take up the entire sidewalk, forcing others to step off the sidewalk and walk in the grass (which is mostly mud right now) are the worst. You can barrel through the crowd, Red Rover style, or push them out of your way. Both responses are appropriate. The sidewalk is for everyone, not just people who have six friends to walk to class with.

Rule #3: If someone you have a secret crush on is walking toward you and you cannot walk by him or her without having a massive panic attack, cross the street immediately. Try not to get hit by a car, though that might be less painful than getting ignored by the love of your life.

Rule #4: Respond to “what’s up?” with “not much.” Do not tell your fellow sidewalk inhabitant about how exhausted you are or how much you hate your chemistry professor. Don’t even tell them how irritated you are with your best friend. They do not care. Arthur Guiterman said it best in his stanza, “Don’t tell your friends about your indigestion: How are you is a greeting, not a question.” What’s up is to us what how are you was to Arthur Guiterman.

Rule #5: Say hi to people you know. If they don’t say hi back you have two options. You can regain your composure before vowing to never wave to them or acknowledge their existence ever again because not saying hi to someone who said hi to you is like a slap in the face. Or you can brush it off and keep saying hi to people like the good-natured optimist you are. I prefer the former.

Love,

Aunt Izzie

Izzie Gibson Penrose, class of 2016, has 18 years of advice to give. She loves telling people what to do (but doesn’t take offense if they don’t listen) and lives as strange a life as possible so she has plenty of anecdotes to share. Izzie also enjoys making jokes and baking cupcakes. Email her with questions, concerns, or anything LITERALLY ANYTHING that’s on your mind at gibsis01@gettysburg.edu. She promises to read every email she receives at least once, probably six times.