Opinion: Skip this column, read something else, and enjoy your life
By Jamie Garrett, Columnist
Everybody makes it up as they go along. No worries.
I want to graduate so that I can wake up, go to work, come home and read books. I just want to read and, being an English and philosophy double major, I do a lot of it, but reading for class never feels as good as reading for yourself.
Garden Salsa Sun Chips taste exactly like Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, just with a hint of spice. The fact that that spice was probably sprinkled on by a middle-aged Mexican woman at the Sun Chips factory in Planto, TX bums me out.
I get anxious when I say hi to someone while I’m walking and listening to my iPod, not because I think I’m talking too loudly, but because I can only hear my own muffled voice and I think that I actually sound like that while talking to them: “goin’ to class” becomes “Goinuhclaz” and, while I’m not opposed to talking like a deaf kid, it still feels odd.
I’m hilariously mediocre at playing acoustic guitar, but if I don’t pick up my guitar at some point during a day then I feel like I’ve missed something extremely important.
Violence is never the answer and it should be avoided: just buy a stress ball.
Stress balls are stupid: just punch somebody in the face.
If you know that you are the kind of drunk person who gets angry/weepy/bitchy/giggly/generally annoying, work to mitigate that lameness. In drinking situations: if you can control your bladder, you can control your actions; if you can’t control your bladder, you’ve made a bad choice.
Listen to music that makes you feel SOMEthing. If you are moved by “Thrift Shop,” embrace it. If your musical elitism gets in the way of someone else’s legitimate musical enjoyment, you are an asshole and you are wrong.
Using simple words correctly will forever be better than using “big” words incorrectly.
Open Specialty Dining in the evenings thus mitigating the incessant overcrowding problem in Servo. It’s not going away until you make it go away.
You choose how you react to the bullshit that you go through.
If you have any website right now or ever in your life, do not have it play music as soon as you open the site. You deserve every swift closing and resolution to never visit it again that you get.
All I know is that I don’t know and I can only provide you with a snapshot of my perpetual confusion and discontent with my efforts to understand the world around me.
