Opinion: Could 2012 be the end of us all? Probably not.
By Riley Park, Opinions Editor
This is the freshman edition of The Gettysburgian, the first issue of the new school year we put out. As such, I would normally follow suit with the rest of my fellow columnists and probably write a list of the top things every freshman should know about college like I did last year. But I suck, so that isn’t this article. Instead, dearest reader, I’d like to assume you’ve probably already been force fed your necessary dose of freshman advice and press on to more pressing press to present. Chiefly: the apocalypse.
According to several reputable tin hat wearing basement dwellers, the apocalypse and the destruction of our fair planet will occur on Dec. 21, 2012. Specialists in the pseudoscientific field of Apocalypse Prediction and Prophecies, contacted while living at their parent’s houses, insist that the Mayans of yore predicted this event by apparently not making their calendar long enough. Ideas of what the apocalypse will look like range from a black hole devouring the earth, to the sun crisping us like a lovely slice of bacon, to the alien infested planet of Nibiru deciding to give us a planetary hug (read: collision).
Various hippie holdout factions, however, have other ideas about what the year 2012 holds for us. Many in the New Age movement have insisted that the opposite of an apocalypse will occur, saying that it’s all going to be okay, MAAAAAN and that we’re all just going to become, like, superhumans or transcendent beings or whatever. While the majority of pot-smoking living room mystic conspiracy theorists agree that this year’s totally gonna be the end of us, there are several dissenting voices still to be heard.
When contacted about the validity of apocalyptic claims, renowned black hole scientist and HAL 9000 impersonator Steven Hawkings simply said that they were, quote, bupkis [citation needed]. Scientists in general have agreed with Hawkings on this matter, going so far as to call the entire endeavor of prophecy belief and apocalyptic thought utter rubbish [citation again needed]. Renowned star scientist, Honorary Gettysburg Doctorate recipient, and generally cool dude Neil deGrasse Tyson simply rolled his eyes and laughed uproariously while walking away when asked to consider the severity of the apocalyptic claims [seriously needing citation]. Scientists in general have generally referred to the lack of general Science that the apocalyptic theories have, wondering how exactly an alien infested planet plays into the Mayans’ counting deficiency.
Apocalyptic prophecies are nothing new to the Western world. In point of fact, May’s Rapture scare was one such string in a long line of failed Biblical prophecies. “We were understandably disappointed,” said one anonymous clergyman. “But we’re certain it will happen next time. This isn’t some ancient Mayan writing saying the world’s going to end we’re talking about. This is the Bible. It’s going to happen.” When asked to explain what made the ancient Mayan writings about the apocalypse wrong and the ancient Jewish and Christian writings about the apocalypse right, the anonymous clergyman responded, “Uh, because… you know, we’re right. Duh.” When further pressed for explanation, the clergyman simply stated, “Look man, it’s just different. Okay? Drop it” and promptly requested that his comments be anonymous.
While no one really knows if 2012 will be the end of us, Science has repeatedly said that it can be known and it’s not going to happen. The fact that apocalyptic obsessing has basically distracted us from solving far more pressing matters like global warming, trying to not kill each other quite as much, and how all pop music sounds basically the same has apparently made Science somewhat saddened. “Think of all we could do if we put the energy spent obsessing about Snooki, Obama’s birth certificate and the apocalypse into more productive endeavors.” Science said, reclining in a leather chair and sipping fine Chianti while landing the Mars rover from a hovering sky crane from a distance of 350,000,000 miles away. “We’d probably be at least to the point of flying cars if it wasn’t for all this pointless drama mongering.”
Will 2012 prove to be the year that the earth, that sweet third rock from the sun upon which all known life in the universe resides and calls home, is finally destroyed in a cataclysmic reign of hellfire and absolution? Probably not. If anything, it might hopefully teach us to cherish the life we have, cease worrying about pointless things that probably won’t happen, and improve all qualities of life for everyone in the world. But that won’t probably happen either. What is certain is that if 2013 does manage to roll around, it will forever be known as the Year Everyone Suddenly and Conspicuously Stopped Talking About Mayan Prophecies [citation: XKCD].
Stay frosty.
Editor’s note: The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and are not representative of the views of Gettysburg College, The Gettysburgian or The Gettysburgian staff.
