Financial Aid officer excited to welcome new $275,000 assets to campus

A visual representation of one student’s value

A visual representation of one student’s value

By Jamie Welch, Editor-in-Chief

Gettysburg College Financial Aid officer Carolyn Thompson could barely contain her excitement Wednesday as she reviewed a report of deposits received for the Class of 2021.

“I am just tickled pink at our enrollment numbers so far,” Thompson said as she gleefully created balance sheet asset accounts for each of the deposited students.

Tearing up a little bit, Thompson said that four years seems like a short time, but that there will be tremendous growth in the four short years each student attends Gettysburg.

“They may look modest now, but just you wait! Four years from now these asset accounts will have skyrocketed in value to approximately $275,000,” Thompson said.

Thompson sees potential for growth even after students’ time at Gettysburg.

“Between interest charges and late fees on institutional loans, these assets could really balloon in the long term,” Thompson said.

“For instance, take a look at student number 574724800,” she said as she pulled up the incoming student’s long term asset growth projection report. “574724800 has institutional loans totalling $100,000 over four years. With an interest rate of 6.8 percent and a ten year repayment period, we’re looking at the potential for $38,096.57 in additional revenue. That’s a 13.8 percent increase in overall value on the account from institutional loans alone. And that’s without any late payment fees!”

“We’re on track for the most profitable class yet,” she added with the warm smile and tone of voice of a proud parent. “This 3.5 percent tuition increase is doing wonders for our revenue stream.”

At press time Thompson was making it rain $100 bills and dancing around her office to “For The Love of Money” by The O’Jays.

April Fools Day Special

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Author: Jamie Welch

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