College provides new Move-In Day program
By Jack Gentes, Staff Writer (Satire)
So it’s freshman move-in day. You’ve just driven up to your dorm and the car is filled to the brim with college supplies. The friendly Gettysburg students are there to help you find your room, lug in your stuff, and answer a quick question or two about where things are on campus. Everything is new and exciting. Well, sort of. In the back of their mind, every incoming freshman is horrified of the inevitable. Yes, they may be anxious about leaving home, making new friends, or taking college courses, but what they are really terrified of is their parents talking to every single other new student on their floor. It happens every year: parents want to snoop around the floor and get a read on the new students and their parents to find out who they think their kid will get along with, who to avoid, and who their kid should marry in the future because, “I bet they’ll make lots of money after college.”
Well fear not incoming G-burg freshmen, because Gettysburg has your back. On move-in day, the move-in staff will have themselves organized in such a way that each student is efficiently moved in one at a time, as to avoid contact with any other real new freshman. Instead of other freshmen and their families, the hallways will be populated by actors who have been instructed to both appear and act as the most friendly, well-mannered, and outgoing students they can be. By doing this, the college hopes to limit the possibility of parents interacting with any real freshmen. In an interview, a member of the move-in staff told us a little more about this project: “Well this project is new this year. We all remember the horror of our parents embarrassing us in front of our future classmates on move-in day, and we wanted to change that for this incoming class. Our goal is to get the student moved-in and occupy the parents, such that the parents do not actually interact with real students.” Freshmen are encouraged to treat the actors as though they are their future classmates, as to not break the illusion.
A rising sophomore agreed to have an interview about his move-in experience last year, despite being visibly stressed about having to bring it up again. “My parents wouldn’t stop talking to people on my floor. All they would do is try to prove to the other parents how I was going to be a big shot at the school. The worst part was how they tried to act cool around the students. My dad said hi to students by saying ‘Suh dude’ and my mom kept on trying to take selfies with her 2010 Samsung flip phone.” At this point, the student could not continue with the interview due to the emotional stress of thinking of the event. Gettysburg hopes that with this new plan for move-in day, students will never again have to experience the horror of having their parents talk to the people on their freshman floor.