Anti-Advice: Womanly Woes & Worries

Dear Evomo Mortem,

I have been having some trouble dealing with the pressures of being a woman. Though many of today’s youth are comfortable with creating equality among genders I’m still a little unsettled. No matter what, I am still the one who is going to bear the child and probably end up taking off of work for the first couple of months to care for the baby. Not only that, but my body will have to change for the baby while my future husband’s will not! I will be the one who cannot drink during the pregnancy whereas my husband can, if he really wants to. I just worry about being oppressed because, even though we are trying to change society to be equal, nature limits that. Please help!

Sincerely,

Thinking about the Future

Dear Thinking about the Future,

Go ahead and embrace the woman you are! Physically embrace yourself. Now, as far as your whole spiel goes, I wouldn’t be too worried. You are in college! Go out, hook up with random guys (or girls, whatever floats your boat) at frat parties and live a little! Think about the NOW! Worry about the ‘real world’ once you are done with college.

Go out and be a party girl. Like Ludacris.

Go out and be a party girl. Like Ludacris.

These are the best four years of your life and there is no sense wasting it by worrying about what kind of horrible family you’re going to have.

Let’s face it, you’re going to be miserable when you’re older; don’t be miserable now. Occupy yourself with college stuff like parties, working out, tanning on Stine Lake, our campus squirrels, milkshake Tuesdays and Thursdays, and the occasional book.

I’m not saying you have to be completely immersed in the college life, like going to Attic Weeknights, but the occasional coffee in the Junction can’t hurt. So go out and get yourself a crop top, skirt, and flower crown, and go be the fricking hipster you should be. Nobody likes a closet Nancy who cries and thinks about the future all the time.

Evomo Mortem

P.S. Your future husband will gain as much weight as you will during pregnancy so don’t even worry.

evEvomo Mortem is a (perhaps fictional) member of the Class of 2016 as a Public Policy major in the Pre-Law program with an Education minor. She gains most of her influence from her number one role model, Mary Surratt, because she was “a woman of firsts”. As a strong woman figure herself, she enjoys living the independent life like George Thorogood in his famous hit “I Drink Alone”. In addition to her studies Mortem enjoys people watching, horseback riding, and counting. Please contact her with questions, concerns, or thoughts worth pondering at evomomortem@gmail.com.

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Author: Brendan Raleigh

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